My mood and behaviour concerned me today.
The bridal shower went really well. Steph was really surprised and did not think that this was going to happen so soon, so that was really good. No ruined surprises! Which is especially awesome since I tend to do that on accident a lot. Ruin surprises, spoil things...basically people shouldn't tell me things because I accidentally let them slip a lot.
But, my mood was...discouraging. I don't really know. I didn't feel happy, really. Or maybe I did, but not as much as I should have felt? I should have been much more excited to see some of my relatives than I was, and honestly I really...wasn't. And I know I've been talking about how anxious I've been, and luckily no one really said anything about my weight or anything I was afraid of being discussed. Still though, despite that anxiety, I should have been happier to see people than I was. But it was like when I went to Joanna's scholarship night. I was just zombie-like. I went through the motions and looked happy, but at the same time I was kind of tired and...blah. I even stayed with Steph and away from the crowd for the most part, not really socializing with anyone other than her and her friend and my parents.
I just felt like I didn't actually belong there?
I was really excited and happy to see Steph, and I think I would have been better if there weren't so many people there. At some point I felt like I was kind of outside looking in, which doesn't make any sort of sense, but it is the only way I can really describe it.
Maybe it also has to do with the fact that I'm still a bit anti-wedding. Not as much as I was last year, but it is still there. I was looking at Steph and Andrew and I got kind of sad and everything? And not in the "oh I want that right now" sort of way. Because I don't. I don't want that right now nor anytime soon. But it was more of a...if this didn't happen for me, I wouldn't be surprised? And I guess I've always felt that way. Truly, I have. Only when I was with the ex did my feelings about that change, and now that I've had a taste of the other flavour, so to say, it is somewhat sad to return to that previous thought. And I know it is stupid, since I'm young and whatnot, but...it just felt weird. Thinking about me in that position. It felt off.
And then I felt guilty for thinking about my shit when I should have been focusing on Steph. Selfish me strikes again.
Truly, I am happy for her. I just wish I could be happier. I know I should be. I want to be.
I want her to know that I'm happy for her. Even if I'm sad/apathetic a lot of times.
Going against the rest of the mood of this entry, I came back to my apartment to a new squishable:
Mini t-rex will go on my desk in the office and be my office buddy! I just need to name him.
Maybe sleep will help me too. I did get maybe three hours or something gross like that. Maybe that contributed to my mood today too.
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