So I had a conversation with guy last night about stuff.

Basically, the other day we were talking, and he said something about how he was avoiding serious relationships.  Now, although I know that I don't want anything serious from him this second, due to still not being completely over the ex and more importantly due to the fact that our main interactions have been via text so far...I became worried.  I want at least there to be some sort of potential.  Not that anything is a definite or anything, but that there is a chance something might occur, and we have the idea that it can.

But after he had said that, I started thinking that I was nothing really more than a fling, and that on his end, there was no chance for anything more.

And I've been nothing but a fling ever since my breakup.  Almost like a sexual conquest, I feel.  Like no one sees me as actual relationship material; they don't want to really be around me.  Even musician guy fell off the face of the earth after he told me he wanted to stop hooking up and remain purely platonic friends.  And I was okay with that, but then he never texted me after I would ask if he wanted to hang out and stuff.

Then of course, I compare.  To the ex.  How is it that people he has been with have actually wanted to be with him, even though he doesn't deserve anything like that, but I am in a completely different boat.  I actually guessed it was because people perhaps pick up on my emotional baggage and wisely run away from me before they get too close.  (Someone else told me it might also be that he is just a better liar than I am, which I did agree he was.  He's too good of a liar, really.)

Anyway, I expressed some concern, and guy iterated that I am more than just a fling and that I am important and I matter a lot.  He did say he doesn't know if things will definitely happen, which I am fine with.  Not knowing exactly what is fine.  I was just afraid of a road being closed to him that isn't necessarily closed for me.

I'm still somewhat bummed, but I am pleased with the conversation.  The mood might just be a combination of the heat and some leftovers from other things, I guess.  I kind of just want to sleep all day.


When I went to session I was also talking with Nancy about ways I can make my birthday special while also being down for the graduation party.  Maybe if some of my friends come down with me (if they want to) and then we go out to dinner or something at some point, I can break away and just have some me time to celebrate my day and everything.  That'd be nice.


Going back down to the Island today because I'm heading to the World/Inferno concert tomorrow in Amityville.  Excited about that.