Is it a good thing or a bad thing that my heart sped up when I learned about the ex having to go to the hospital for some reason I'm unaware of?  And maybe I should not have checked things to see, since I have been looking at stuff a lot less, but still.

That my eyes went wide when I saw that that happened, and I got hot and nervous and worried and sincerely said:

"I hope he's okay."

Maybe that's good that I said that to myself.

I still hate him, but I guess I'm not heartless?

I guess part of me wishes I was heartless.

Because now I'm thinking about him.

And I wish I was not.

Because now I'm just really sad...

And the jealousy I try to convince myself is gone is actually not...because the idea of his new girlfriend being able to stay with him during this thing - whatever it may be - makes me sad.  Sadder than it should at the moment.  There's something wrong with me when for all my anger and the fact that I despise him so much...I would still rather it be me than anyone else with him if he needed emergency care.


I hate him, but I'm not heartless.