So my nights are not safe even after I have a dream about new guy and then talk to him for almost an hour on the phone right before going to bed.

Because for some reason, my fucked up mind interprets this interaction with a new person that I'm getting closer and closer to, who told me that he thinks I'm special and wonderful and has thought about me every day since we met (though a lot of it sexually but that's fine)...my mind decides to give me a sad dream about the person I wish I had never met.

And by sad, I mean terrible.  Like waking up feeling  like I want to throw up and wanting to cry while on my walk with Callie.

Basically, it was New Years, and for some reason, he was in the same house as me, getting ready to meet his girlfriend at a party elsewhere.  I made a comment that everyone in the place had a party to go to except me, and that was fine.  And, for some reason because of this, I decided to drive him so that he wouldn't be an idiot later and try to drive after having more than a few drinks.

And we got to talking on this drive.

I was explaining to him why I was still sad.  Why I was so angry with him and hated him.  How I felt like because of how quickly he got over me and moved on and found new people to be serious with and to love, I was worthless and everything he ever told me while we were together was nothing other than a ton of lies.  And I said that that was all fine.  It was fine that he could have a night where he is hysterically crying and telling me he only wanted to be with me and no one else ever in his lifetime, and then dump me two weeks later, and then find someone new within that month.

I said it was fine, because while I was sad about it, I should have expected it.

Because it was all that I had feared going into the relationship to start with.  Fears that I had forgotten about, that I should not have.  And that it was a lesson to me.  I should not have expected someone to love me so unconditionally as he had claimed.  I got too comfortable.

Now, this wasn't the part that made me want to cry when I woke up.

That part was him telling me that everything he said was completely true and genuine and that even though he was with someone new, he still thinks about me every day.  And is sad that I'm sad.  That he wanted me to be happy when he broke up with me, and is devastated that I'm not.  That this new person does not mean as much to him as I did and do and that no one could ever truly take my place in his heart, no matter what title she may have.

Basically, that he did not lie when he had said that he wanted to be with me forever.  That I was actually the one.  The one he let go so maybe I could be happier.  And that he was not expecting this to happen.  He was not expecting me to not be able to eat everyday, to cry all the time over him, to still be upset about what he did so long later.  And that maybe it was because he didn't think much of himself, that he thought himself easy to get over.  When that was and continues to be not the case for me.

And he decided to not go to his party, so I wouldn't be alone on New Years.


I wanted to cry when I woke up.

Because I know everything dream!ex said is not true.

And I wanted to cry because of that, and because I could genuinely not think about him almost all day and have a great day and talk to guy on phone and over text right before bed...

That even with this, my subconscious tells me there's something still there in the back of my mind.  And it needs to remind me of it at night when I'm asleep.