What the shit is wrong with me.

I'm so frustrated with the state of my paper that I just feel utterly defeated and am fighting to not break down in my office because people are here and I shouldn't be doing that and I am horrible and no matter what I do nothing is going to be good enough and I want to run away and disappear.

And roommate has met someone he really likes and although I am happy for him for being happy I also feel even more lonely because my friend who was single is probably not going to be for long and it is going to be just like what happened with my other roommate where I saw less of him after he got with someone.

I'm just a mess and I really should make an appointment with my doctor because meds are running low.

stupid

Well that was a nice feels and memory trip thanks to my tumblr dashboard.  Damn you tumblr.  Damn you.


Grading, and missing best friend and wanting to go home.

Something that annoys me greatly whenever we start getting into talking about specific policies is when we throw away actual scientific discussion in favour of cheap rhetoric.  I'm talking about one of my cohortmates in particular; he is conservative (which already bugs me), but he gets very politician-y and ignores all rules of political science and it bothers me greatly.

But whatever.  Back to the grind, essentially.  I'm not that happy in terms of being back, but that's not surprising.  Got back late last night.

Yesterday, best friend took me to a super nice Asian restaurant that had a traditional setup in one of the parts, so we sat on the floor and ate and it was awesome.  Then we went apple picking, which was fun but could have been better if it wasn't so hot outside.

I'd go more into detail but class now.

Boo.

Plan is to spend time on comps paper later.

This corn maze was intense. We were in there for three hours. Fun was had.

Steaks

For dinner we tried this place where you pick out and then cook your own steak and it was fun and delicious and despite my fears (since my cooking abilities are sub-par at best), I really really enjoyed mine.

We then went to a comedy club which featured a writer from the Daily Show and it was quite hilarious.

At dinner I did kind of get into a discussion about things. Namely eating habits and how they are still weird but in a different way than how they were, and I ranted a bit about ex and how I am bitter about his situation versus my own and everything. (That conversation  a decent amount of me stabbing ice cubes with my straw...since I had already finished my steak.)  It wasn't long but...eh.

Anyway, noms and show were good and took my mind off stuff for a bit. Huzzah~

"I feel uncomfortable.  Like in between feeling okay and feeling sick." 

This is probably due to my eating too much crap while also feeling like a piece of shit - as usual.  And I tried to start my stupid reaction paper for Monday and it is just awful and I am terrible and can't do anything right. 

This inability to feel super happy just makes me wonder about...things.  I don't know.

And I know I should talk to best friend about it but I'm finding that even that is really hard to do.  Maybe it is her constant working and bottomless work ethic making me feel I'm just worthless for feeling overworked and sad and that I have zero right to complain to her. 

Hopefully going out tonight will make me feel better. 

I have no idea why I drew this on her whiteboard. It was very mindless. And I'm kind of crying a little and I need it to stop before she gets back from meeting with whoever.

I thought being on her work campus would help me feel not sad because even though she would be working I wouldn't be alone, but I am still finding myself very lethargic and not really interested in anything.  Part of me also is blaming that on lack of caffeine today and I'm wondering if I would be better if I was able to get something like that, but there's nothing in the immediate vicinity and I don't want to venture alone.  Besides, I can't buy anything with cash here; it is all based on cards from the company and stuff.

It makes me feel unappreciative and very guilty; I know I should be more excited but I've just been very blank and stuff.  I've been trying to do some work of my own, at least, though that opens up a new can of worms of me being unable to like anything I'm writing and when that happens I go into this weird blank state where I just write things berating myself in all caps for a while on the page.  Because, you know, that is completely healthy.  (I mean, it is something I've always done...it just has gotten worse and worse over the years, and despite my attempts to become a more self-loving person, it is the default I run to.)

And I feel even worse, because we ran into some of her friends, and I tried my best to look interested but I probably came across as distant and all.  Not that I particularly care if they like me or not...it is more that I don't want best friend to think I'm not making an effort.  She's probably annoyed with me, and I wouldn't exactly blame her.

Part of me knows I should have a conversation with her about my moods and how it isn't really all caffeine-related, but she works so much and so hard and so it makes me feel awful for daring to complain about any of my stuff.

crisis

I'm really trying to read this thing for Monday and I feel like all it is doing is discussing the ins and outs of game theory and it is really frustratingly boring because I already know this stuff.  But my American prof decided he was going to assign us weeks for reaction papers rather than, you know, asking for our input on what we would actually like to write about.  Of course I would get stuck with this Monday when I want to relax and enjoy time in WI and also work on my own comps paper.

Ugh I just.  I feel like no matter what happens, Binghamton just follows me.  Which I suppose is not unusual or unsurprising for a graduate student, but it is still annoying.  I want to get away from Bing, and of course this would be the week I need to do a ton of things.  It is like a sick reminder that I just can't ever escape it and I can't escape anything and despite being away I still feel trapped.

But when I go through these modes of feeling as though I'm suffocating, I think about the things friends in private-sector jobs tell me, and what they need to do seems even more unappealing than what academia has so far offered me.  And then I go through this crisis where I wonder what the hell is going to even make me happy.  What the hell should I do?  It isn't as though I have a particular marketable skill set; many unfortunately see the social sciences as a waste of time (and hell, some people would still put me in the humanities camp and to that I would want to choke them because no our fields are not even remotely similar; I find there is value in the humanities, but I just dislike my field being put under that category because it just isn't factually true).

I don't know.  I just feel as though nothing will please me.  Which of course makes my future, no matter how I picture it, very dark.  Which brings back those stupid terrible thoughts and I hate myself right now for even thinking about this stuff when I am in WI with best friend.  ...I'll blame it on the fact that she is still at work and I'm still just hanging out in her apartment by myself.

Really I just...hate this idea that my default mode is sad/angry/cynical/etc., and that any happiness I seem to have been able to obtain is fleeting and dependent on so many things.

And I just get almost comfortable in that default mode, so that anything outside of that feels wrong, somehow.

Of course, all this shit will bleed over into personal life stuff, making me even more withdrawn than I already have become.  I mean, who the hell would ever want to deal with this crap of mine?


...wahhh when is she getting back.

WI

Guess who is in Wisconsin visiting her sweetie?

That's right, this girl.

She's at work right now, so I'm in her apartment by myself and I figure I should try to get some work done while she is away so that tonight we can just hang out and not do stuff.  ...Which might be difficult for me since my prime working time is in the evenings, usually.

I'm still in a weird emotional state kind of but it does go away when she is around, and I do feel somewhat better than I have been just by being away from Bing.

Also this one hour difference is messing with my head more than it should be.

So I just started crying for absolutely no reason and I now have a headache and zero motivation to do work.

Wheee what is my life.

There are days where I really just wish I wasn't conscious.

Today - minus during the time I took the doggies to the park - was one of those days.

So I spent it playing Fire Emblem and trying to not think about work or past or other stupid shit.

Probably not the best idea, really, as I'm just running from stuff, but my physical health being in poor shape didn't help either.

Still sick, but actually forced myself to clean the living room and take the pups for their evening walk.  Figured the cold air might be good for me.  I think it was a little...or maybe I just really like cool evening walks.  Summer being pretty much over is kind of awesome for me.  Heat and I never got along, and so I - unlike most people I've spoken with about it - embrace the dropping temperatures.

A few more days until I leave for Wisconsin and I can't wait.  It will be good for me to be around best friend and around a girlfriend and just away from the department and from Binghamton in general.  This place sucks the life out of me, and it just exacerbates my already existing sadness and the like.


During times of sickness and while I am sad and lonely and stuff my mind sometimes gravitates towards cool wet shirts rolled up on my forehead.

It's stupid.  I'm stupid.


I should probably go pass out before any other stupid shit comes into my head.

Super sick.  As predicted, though I don't think it is strep.

I did skip class today, which was a good decision judging from what the roommates told me what was discussed.

I feel terrible and can't really speak.

Also got comments back from my adviser.  The time-series thing is really kicking my ass.

My adviser already read my newest draft and I need to meet with him tomorrow and I'm getting really anxious about it.  I know he probably thinks it is nothing but a big pile of shit, because that is all I'm able to produce lately.

And I think I'm getting sick?  Usually when I start getting really sick, like something with strep or so, the first sign is just that I get this super horrible taste in the back of my throat that doesn't go away no matter what and this has been going on all day.  It's annoying.

Man, I'm so uninspired that even writing in here is a huge effort.  How the fuck do I function like a semi-normal human being?

I feel like I just fake everything.

I just feel like a giant piece of shit right now.

And going through past shit in my head and I'm back at the "well no wonder things were terrible, because I am fucked up."

And I know I should be fighting those thoughts.

But I'm just sleepy and sad.

So I'll just hope I don't dream about stupid crap.

I feel as though I have been taking steps back mentally. 

Whereas during the summer, I was really relaxed and I didn't feel terrible, I've regressed back to feeling stressed and sad, wanting to do nothing and everything at the same time.  The stress just seems as though it will never end, and with the stress comes stupid feels about ex and all that nonsense. 

Comparing never helps, and yet it is something I find difficult to stop doing.  I compare his life to my own, and get angry at him and myself for the discrepancies between them.  Though it is not fair; I don't know how he actually is doing, really.  I just assume based on some stuff, and it is enough to make my imagination run wild, and it just tells me over and over how I'm so pathetic that even that asshole can be happy and can find friends and love and I'm over here...sad and lonely and unable to even fake connections with other human beings when I meet them.  

And I know deep down it is also jealousy.  I know.  I've always known that. 

I promised that I would try to go out and meet people, but I feel like that is a promise I give every week and my anxiety and fear always cause me to break that.  

Eh, I don't know.  More later maybe. 

You know, when some grad students meet with external reviewers and all basically say how perfect everything is when in reality they all complain about things...it can be annoying.  I was one of the few who tried to tell the truth, saying some good things but also some things that I thought needed to be improved on and things that could be done better.  I felt like I was getting looks from people but...oh well.

Watched The Winter Soldier upon finally getting home, which was great because I've been in the mood to watch that for at least two weeks now.


College roommate got an apartment and moving day is this weekend.  So, we had to reschedule our hanging out time; now she's planning on coming here the first weekend in October.  That is also the weekend of the wine tour, so maybe I'll decide to go and bring her, but at the same time I'm not sure if I want to spend all day with the department when roommates are not going.

I am a bit sad but I'll get over it.  I would rather her move into her place and get everything in and stuff and not have to worry about that rather than rush to try and get here and then worrying about getting everything set up.


I feel weird right now.  I know I say that a lot, but it is just...weird.  I'm this mixture of feeling empty and blank and unsatisfied, and yet at the same I feel kind of okay?  Maybe I've just gotten used to those bad feelings.  Really, I'm not sure anymore.

Comet

This is my go-to song when I am really sad or feeling terrible about things; it helps me cheer up and think that maybe changes aren't so bad.  (This is usually short lived but it still helps a bit.)

And when I'm imagining hypothetical conversations between ex and I and my just saying all these super dark and sad/angry things to him and thinking that he probably wouldn't care that much anyway...well...this song kind of helps.

I've been told many times I should write something as if I'm addressing it to him, or do a video and speak as if I'm talking to him.  And I don't know why I haven't done it.  Maybe because I'm just pushing it off or using other things to distract me, or because I've been so bogged down with work that sometimes even writing in here seems like a huge task (even if it does keep me from going absolutely insane).

...We'll see.


Old world's burning in our minds
watch it fall away and die.
We begin to lose our minds as we open up our eyes.
Chasing stars all through the sky 
Comet's on its way tonight setting all the world alight

I can't wait to see what it's like
To be weightless.
Transformation.

I finally finished my draft of my FISC paper (though I kind of crapped out at the end; I basically just copy and pasted the conclusion I had already written).  And so now I am off to doggie park because I think being outside will help me a little and also because roommate has been super helpful with Callie as I've been sicky and laying in bed and worrying about stuff.

And it is nice out, so I think they would enjoy it.  They've both been cooped up all day because everyone is working.

I think just being outside and around puppers always helps my mood also.  And since stupid ex has still been in my stupid head (idk maybe because it is his birthday soon or something, or just because I am sad and lonely and shit and he is who my mind just automatically gravitates towards because I'm a looooser), I think a dose of playing pups is kind of what I need right now.

Also the weather has been awesome because it finally hasn't been super hot and this pleases me so goddamn much because heat is lame.  I'm all about the colder weather, so I embrace this while others tend to be sad about it.

My original intention was to get up and finish my comps paper today, but I am still feeling terrible both physically and emotionally and so any attempt to do work has been incredibly...unsuccessful.  I did at least put the regression tables in and identified my hypotheses, but I have not actually written anything.  I did strategically put a post on facebook because I'm friends with my adviser and hopefully he will see it and understand why I have not sent him anything yet.  If I'm lucky, I''ll be okay tomorrow and I'll finish the damn draft and send it and then also do other shit that I need to do. 

I did decorate some more, since I got more frames.  Maybe tomorrow I'll post pictures.  I have a few more pieces I want to put up, but still need to get frames for those last ones. 

Ugh, I went through sad "I wish I had someone to cuddle" thoughts and they immediately gravitated toward a certain someone and then I got mad at myself and so I went to cuddle with Callie instead. 

I'm sad and sleepy.

My original intention was to finish this draft, but I think I need to take today off, for the most part.  I am creating the regression tables because that is mindless (but still something that obviously needs to be done) and I can just sit here without having to write.  I feel bad, since I wanted to have it circulated to certain people by this evening, but I just can't bring myself to do it right now.  I even took a nap in an attempt to rest my head and stuff, but I'm still just...bleh.

Maybe later I'll feel better.  Or at least tomorrow.


Stupid thoughts making me sad and I want them to go away.

I did not understand loops when I took computer science and had to do them in Java, and I do not understand them very well now while programming in Stata.  This is incredibly frustrating, especially since I can code in Stata pretty well and I have become more familiar with the language, but loops remain something that stumps me, for some reason.

I'm sure to programmers, they are the easiest things, but I have a difficult time deciphering computer science code, truthfully.  It was something that never clicked for me, as hard as I tried when I was taking it (well...at first, at least; frustration got the better of me in the end).

But due to loops being a kryptonite for me, my homework for maximum likelihood took way longer than I originally anticipated it would, which made it impossible to work on my comps paper after I got out of class this afternoon.  Luckily, I did work on it earlier in the day, and I think my theory section is done (for this draft, anyway...I'm sure it will change again when profs read it).  I just wanted to work on it more tonight because I promised adviser that I would give him a draft by the end of the week, which I originally had anticipated to be tomorrow sometime.  I might need to wait until Saturday...though the portions I still need to do are focused on the model, so maybe if I need to, I can give him just the theory stuff for now.

Bah.  I suck and I should have done this earlier and I am still sad with stupid nonacademic shit also on my mind so it is all just kind of snowballing.

Oh, and I didn't really eat a meal until 9:30 today, and even then it was only a few pizza rolls.  That I guess goes hand-in-hand with work and sadness and stress.  Especially since cooking has once again become a huge effort.  I mean, I never really like it, but it has again dived down into the "I would rather be hungry than cook because cooking takes so much energy" area and that is a weird area to be in.  I either not eat or I spend too much on takeout.

I already want the semester to be over.  I want to go home.


Good news though: I was able to snag two tickets to the Say Anything concert in Jersey in November for friend and I.  We were sad because the presale tickets sold out so quickly, and there was a fear that there wouldn't be anything else available.  So I'm glad that our fears were not accurate, and that should be a good thing.  So I have Streetlight and Hallowmas next month (if all goes according to plan) and then Say Anything in November.

I miss concerts.

bad thoughts errywhere

Paper is coming along, but I'm still just super unhappy with it.  Maybe it is just because I'm just sad and unhappy lately and some super bad thoughts have been creeping in again lately and I thought those were gone but apparently they aren't really.  They're not as loud as they once were, but I had silence in that department over the summer so them being back, even softly, isn't very good.

It is probably a combination of things: me feeling like I've disappointed people with my lack of progress over the summer; me thinking about stupid relationship things and getting sad and then thinking about the ex and getting mad at myself for daring to think that I miss some stuff kinda maybe; me thinking that I'm going to suck at comps and people are going to recognize that I am shit at everything and that I can neither write nor defend anything.  How the hell can I write a dissertation when I am having so much trouble just on one paper?


...I wish I could cuddle someone right now.  I really could use that.

But who the fuck would ever want to deal with my shit and my baggage anyway.


I don't feel well.

My tummy hurts.

And I want to throw up.

My meeting with adviser could have gone better; I think I have disappointed him with how little I got done over the summer, and that has caused my morale to drop even more.  Now I'm freaking out about things more than I should be, which makes it difficult to get things done, but I'm also trying to get on a better routine so I could get things done faster.  I don't know.  I'm getting more and more worried about comps and this paper and yet at the same time I can't get over my writer's block and overall lack of motivation.

So anxiety and fear and sadness have all kind of hit me again hardcore with respect to work and I just want to sleep and do nothing.  I'm going to need to skimp out on classwork stuff and focus more on comps and everything this month.  Which I suppose is fine, for my substance classes.  Not so much for Maximum Likelihood though, but that class is super important so it is crucial that I do not slack on that one at all.

Nancy was able to calm me down, saying that despite all that I'm thinking, I'm not a bad student or a bad person, and that is was important for me to not do so much during the summer.  And while that is true, I'm having trouble internalizing it again.  I was fine with it over the summer, but I suppose now that I'm seeing the consequences and hearing people's disappointment all that guilt and shit has rushed back in full force and now I wish I could go back in time and shake myself into having some motivation.

Though roommate pointed out that I actually did do things this summer; a lot of it was coding and a lot more of it was just reading for my paper.  But still.  I could have done more.

I also talked with Nancy about my watching ex's tournament and how weird that was for me.  That I felt like I had no control over what I was doing, in a weird way.  Despite knowing that I should not have been doing that, I felt comfortable with it.  We discussed my desire for comfort; that my super close friends are far away, and actually, he is the best representation of that love and comfort that I once had.  Despite that it was not good, I miss those emotions and those feelings, and going to him is not that strange or weird (according to her).  When I think of those things, he is who comes to mind, because he is the only person I've had that level of connection with.

My bitterness did shine through more when I started talking about the anger and injustice I feel when I think about where he is in his life in comparison to myself.  And maybe it is unfair of me to do that, but comparing is a habit of mine, one I know I probably should fight harder against.  But he is able to do things that he loves with new friends, and has been able to connect and love and trust people in a way I have not.  Meanwhile, he is the one who wronged me, not the other way around.

It is kind of a "life isn't fair" argument but it is kind of where my mind automatically starts to run when I think about everything.  In reality, I am partially to blame for my loneliness, since I continue to distrust people and I have shut myself behind impenetrable walls.  He has a hobby which allows him to meet people easily.  And in terms of significant others...well...it is far more difficult for me to connect with people than it is for him (apparently).  Unlike him, also, I'm not willing to play around with people's emotions just to try and make myself feel better.  ...Though I wouldn't feel better in that scenario anyway, even if I chose to do that.  With no real connection, interaction like that feels empty, and I cannot pretend otherwise.

But I remain in a mode where the risk of getting hurt overrides the potential benefits of new friendships or connections.  

Right now I feel like every Menzinger's song that comes on from their newest album resonates with me on a super personal level.  I probably shouldn't be listening to them while trying to work in the office, should I?

Also I am starting to freak out more and more about this theory for my comps paper.  I want to introduce a bunch of different elements, it seems, but I am having trouble trying to put them all together in a way that makes sense organizationally.  Oversight-minimization, criticism-avoidance, issue-linkages, and maybe some other stuff.  I'm trying to see if I can basically make the first two equivalent...ish.  Even though I don't think they are.

And I want to tie things in to another theory that is similar but I'm having trouble on figuring out exactly where I want to put that.

fdhfjdhskjfh

why do I suck at everything why can't I just do this shit with no problem like other people.

Also I'm lonely today.

Just sad and stuff and wishing I had someone.  I could use the comfort, since the high I had during vacation has been plummeting ever since classes restarted.


Doing what I did last night was a mistake.  Took a few steps back.

Man he got bodied in that last match.  Which made me happier than maybe it should have.

You would think I'd stop now that he's eliminated, but now I'm invested so I gotta watch the rest.

Part of me misses watching this shit?  I mean, I tried to be supportive and all that jazz.

But the other part of me remembers competing against it for love and attention.

And I always seemed to lose that battle.


...What am I doing, exactly?  What is happening?

I feel like I'm in a bizarro world or some shit.

Like I'm not even in my own body or something.

Shit is weird, man.

Why.  The fuck.  Am I watching.  This.

This Marvel stream.

Why.

Why.

I don't care.

But if that is true then why is it on.

I swore to myself that I was off this shit.

I'm in one of those moods where, despite knowing I have a meeting on Tuesday with my adviser, my lack of creativity and motivation is eating at me and all I really want to do is lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for the rest of the night.

I...might have an idea of where to go with this thing but I'm unsure if it makes sense and I am just mad at myself for not being able to write at the moment and why do I suck at everything.

unfinished

My adviser setting up a meeting on Tuesday to talk about comps paper stuff means I kind of need to spend today and tomorrow working on that.  Luckily, I finished my driving course today and my readings for Monday are all done, so I just need to get focused, which might take until after lunch but that is okay.


Physically I'm not feeling as bad as yesterday, but I still feel weird emotionally and mentally.  I've just been kind of zoning out at random times for no reason, and ex has been popping in my head more often in the past few days than he has in the past few weeks, which is annoying as shit.  Maybe it is that my mind is so desperate to think about stuff other than my own uncertain future that it grabs the next topic I spend too much time thinking about?

I have no idea why I continue to have this "there is unfinished business" feeling whenever he jumps into my head.  Perhaps there is, but it doesn't make any difference now, does it?  He's on the west coast now, and I'm east.  If I have my way, I will remain in the east, or I will be going up north to Canada, or across the sea to Europe.  Unless we both converge on UC at some point, our paths are not going to cross again.

At times, I've thought about just taking him up on the video chat discussion, but then I get a hold of myself.  I don't want that.  I never wanted that.  And truthfully, the only reason I wanted an in-person conversation was to finally confront him with a clearer head.  Though I would probably delve into shouting and everything once he started denying everything or saying that things weren't as bad as they were and other stupid shit he was prone to use to defend himself.

Not that he would care anymore.  He barely did before.

I still wonder sometimes whether anything he ever said to me had any sort of truth to it.  For a long time I wanted to believe things that he said, even after I declared my hatred for him.  But now when I think about it I just conclude that everything he ever said to me was untrue.  Or at least the vast majority of it.  And maybe I continue to be harsh: this point of view has remained with me for the past year+, unwavering.  But every time I gave him or what he said the benefit of the doubt, I ended up hurt.  Harshness and pessimism have become my shields.  They do contribute to my tendency to want to be away from people most of the time, but I'm still okay with that price.  The damage I suffered without those protections was too great for me to lower them just yet.  Maybe one day I will.  I have lowered them very slightly in the past few months, but only slightly.  I still don't want to hang out with people or meet anyone new.  Or rather, I say I want to, but when push comes to shove I do not.

It's funny.  He told me I would be okay, and that I would be "golden eventually" when he broke up with me.

I still wonder when 'eventually' is.

Heh.  Another lie.  Unsurprising.


Ugh I'm just in one of those moods today, why.

Again I took the pups to the park for around 2-3 hours today.  I had a terrible headache and thought maybe going outside for a while would help.  It didn't, really, but they had fun and have basically been sleeping soundly since, which is always a good thing.  I did manage to get my reading for Monday done, as well as three units of my online defensive driving course, which I need to do for insurance price reduction purposes.

Yesterday roommates had people over, but...I just did not want to really hang out with them.  I was sad, for no particular reason.  And I'm kind of sad now...again for no real reason.  I just am.

On my way back from the park I did start thinking about stupid shit.  Namely, the ex, and what would happen if we ever met again.  Not that I think we will.  It is just something that still pops into my head, and again, the situation always changes whenever I think about it.

Maybe I was thinking about him because of the whole "I can't even remember being in love" thing I was concerned about.  Despite my negative opinion and...reaction to him now, I can't imagine someone else igniting the emotional spark in me the way he was so quickly able to.  I'm barely interested in friends nowadays.

And then, I kick myself when I start imagining this person who will come into my life and help me feel that love again.  Because that person still takes on many of his characteristics and I hate that shit.

MLE so far just seems like numerical analysis version 2.0 and I am very okay with this.

Also I have unexplainable sad feels right now. Maybe early sleep will help.

...I wanna write more but I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open.

Foreign

The time where I was in love seems like it was so long ago.

It is kind of sad, when I think about it.

Especially when I see old conversations, and my reaction is just a blank stare.

And not in the "I am over this" sort of way.  Rather, it feels more foreign.  Like it never even really happened, or it happened a lifetime ago.  Conjuring up those specific strong feelings again seems like an impossibility.

Of course, the reaction to me saying that would probably run along the lines of "well you just haven't met the right person, blah, blah, blah," but I can honestly imagine meeting the perfect individual for me right now and not being able to feel anything.  I guess I'm still in that mode.

Despite getting better step by step in terms of self-love and self-compassion, my trust in people has yet to return.  While I never was one to have a lot of friends, I have remained a loner, preferring the company of my pup to most people.

Maybe I also don't trust myself to love again like that.  I got it so wrong before, and the result was terrible for me.


I'm sleepy.

The rent issue has finally been settled.  But doing so has caused my opinion of roommate J (roommate C's boyfriend) to drastically decline.  When roommate B presented the new proposed rent allocation, he explained everything through the calculator and website that they had given to us to look over.  Essentially, everything was fair, and by the method they wanted to use.  Upon hearing the numbers (which in my opinion are still highly unfair to roommate B), roommate J just complained about them still being unfair to him and roommate C.  Despite that we were using their method and just dropping truth bombs about the size of the common space.  I did kind of snap at him after the second time he said it,

But roommate C conceded those numbers, and so starting next month I will only be paying 290 instead of 350 and that is so fucking nice for me.

Also my first class today was such shit.  No one had any idea what the professor was talking about and he was so vague and just dragged everything out way longer than it should have been.  He kept asking questions which were open ended, but wanted a certain specific answer which took forever for any of us to finally guess.  Once I said something he really seemed to like, I was kind of done.

Then my MLE professor decided to email us at around...5 or so, telling us to read 80+ pages in this book for tomorrow's morning class.  Which made me angrier, so I barely did that in the end because I'm a fucktard who shuts down in weird ways.

School has barely started and I already am bitching about it.

What a way to start the semester.

We just had discussions about shit to do around the house less than a week ago and already shit is not getting done and being ignored and I want to scream at everyone.

And I still do not feel as though I did well in my first discussion sections.  I don't know.  I felt all over the place and felt as if something was off and wrong and it just didn't feel good despite only being an intro day.  I don't know.  Maybe I am overthinking things.  Probably.  It is what I usually do.  Hopefully I'll get in the swing of things by next week and this is still due to the fact that the school year seems to have crept up on me very suddenly.  I still feel as though it is summer and my body wants me to continue relaxing.  Though an email today reminded me (again) that comps are coming up fast and I really do need to get on fixing my paper.  The problem is not that I don't know what I want to do with it, however.  It is more that every time I sit down to do something with it, I have zero creativity and feel as though I can't form coherent sentences.

Plus, I really ought to be reading more and I just don't want to.  It is difficult to find shit and the school's internet has been fucking atrocious, thus making it quite arduous to get any research done.

Ugh.

Sometimes I really do wonder why I do this, when all it does is stress me out and bring back all thoughts of self-hatred and stuff.

Before, I came across an old photo of me in London.  Unfortunately, it is probably my most iconic photo of my time over there, and I say unfortunately because it involves the ex.  We both seem so happy, and I look at myself and wonder how past me would react if I was able to tell her everything that would happen.  Probably with disbelief and anger.  Defending him and saying that nothing bad would happen because of this and that.  Past me seemed so fucking happy in that picture, and I kind of hate it.  If she saw me, I would wonder if she would think she made the right choices.  Maybe she would choose to go to London instead, backing out of the stupid promise the ex forced her into making.  But then, choosing London also forfeits Callie, who is so important to me now, and is better to and for me than so many people I have encountered.  Maybe she would stand up for herself more in her relationship, and see all the bullshit long before I ever did.  Doubtful, though, considering how stupid love makes people.

...I feel weird.

Well I thoroughly fucked up my first discussion section due to my not prepping.

It was only meant to be informational, and yet I still fucked it up.

Didn't talk about some things that I should have while also showing how disorganized I am and shit.

Woo, go me, TA of the goddamn year already.

Ugh why does the school year always come with a crazy drop in self-esteem?

Still have not had the next rent conversation, mostly because roommate B has not called for the house meeting yet.  I don't want to push him too fast or anything, but I do want to get this shit settled this week.  I keep waking up too early and unable to fall asleep at night and that is never good for when I am trying to get back into work mode.

Reunion session with Nancy was great; mostly I talked about house stuff, though she seemed very pleased with how I've been standing up for myself and taking no shit, even after people get mad at me for calling out their bullshit.  She is hoping that we can keep me up at this level of confidence and self-acceptance throughout the year, which can be very difficult as time goes on.

Callie also made some undergrads very happy today.

Tomorrow are my first sections for world.  It shouldn't be too bad, hopefully.

Classes begin tomorrow, and so my fun ends here.  Really, I need to start focusing on work, and luckily being in the 'need to go to campus' environment will help me actually do that.  And my plan for this semester is to focus less on classwork and more on my own papers and research.  Granted, that might fall through due to how I tend to be in terms of work, but for now that is the plan.  The first thing I really need to do is my comps paper.  I have been saying that I need to do that the whole summer now, but again, having to go to campus will probably put me back in work mode.  ...At least I hope.

Get my reunion with Nancy tomorrow too, so that is exciting!  I have a lot to talk to her about, both good and bad.

Roommate stuff still hasn't been resolved, as roommate B and I did not want to get into shit when roommates C and J got home from camping (which they went to despite all that was said) at around 10 or so.  Tomorrow, probably.  I want this shit resolved soon.  It is giving me anxiety and causing me to get up at stupid hours after little sleep, and that shit needs to stop.


Also I recently had a dream that I got a job in Cali and it was the only one I got and it was in ex's area and I just laughed and laughed and laughed and people thought I was insane.

What.

(And I am pretty sure I have had that dream before, too.  Or at least something like that.)

Barbecue at my uncle's house was fun, especially since I played with pups and saw my parents and two of my three sisters and stuff.  Also my fam seemed to be the favourites for the kids to play with since we were actually paying attention to them and would humour them when they tried to play around and stuff.  Many tickle fights and stuff happened and it was quite adorable.

I told the story of my rent-splitting problems to my family, and they actually just fired me up more, since they are very angry about what has been happening.  Granted, as much as I try to tell stories in a way where I am unbiased or at least admit my own bias, I know it is still difficult to do those things sometimes.  But no matter what I said, everyone I spoke with was really angry for me, telling me I should just tell roommates C and J to grow the fuck up and everything.  Which, at this point I would, but knowing that I have to live with them at least until June causes me to bite my tongue.

Despite the house meetings going decently in terms of people not shouting over each other (for the most part), I am still so fucking angry about things?  They keep getting all nitpicky about shit like the fact that I have two windows while they only have one, and theirs is "awkwardly placed" (which is bullshit on so many levels), and that I have a ceiling fan and they don't (which is moot because we both have individual air conditioners, fun fact), and other stupid shit.  They did even try to say "well we are right across from the bathroom" before I stopped that shit saying that we are all super close to the bathroom and we can all easily hear everything.

I said multiple times that I felt like they were swindling me and just trying to get the lowest price for them, which I still maintain that they are.  Right now I am just so mad and I want to kick them or something and I don't even want to look at them at all.  Luckily they are not here right now because - despite me saying 'you know, you going on trips and then complaining about money is kind of annoying' - they went on a camping trip.  (Fun story about that; I guess they weren't going to go, and then they decided to bring up the fact that roommate J "was going" to propose to roommate C over the weekend and I flipped all the shits on them, saying that there was no reason to tell me that and that they are basically trying to make me feel guilty because I dared say that their priorities are a little fucked up.  I mean, fuck, the first thing that got cut for me when I realized I was going to have more bills and shit was my concerts.  I don't go to nearly as many as I would like and I don't go to nearly as many as I did last year.  Because, you know, I'm a responsible adult and housemate.  Also them getting engaged feels so wrong to me but what the hell ever it is not my relationship and it isn't like I'm an expert or anything look at how my only one turned out in the end.)

I don't know.  People keep saying they don't want this to come between the friendship and everything, but money does come between people, and it isn't trivial.  None of us have a lot of it, and all of us need it.

I know during these moments I should think of good stuff but lately I've just been so angry with things and roommate J especially has been such a fucking asshole and I really didn't need this shit right now.