unfinished

My adviser setting up a meeting on Tuesday to talk about comps paper stuff means I kind of need to spend today and tomorrow working on that.  Luckily, I finished my driving course today and my readings for Monday are all done, so I just need to get focused, which might take until after lunch but that is okay.


Physically I'm not feeling as bad as yesterday, but I still feel weird emotionally and mentally.  I've just been kind of zoning out at random times for no reason, and ex has been popping in my head more often in the past few days than he has in the past few weeks, which is annoying as shit.  Maybe it is that my mind is so desperate to think about stuff other than my own uncertain future that it grabs the next topic I spend too much time thinking about?

I have no idea why I continue to have this "there is unfinished business" feeling whenever he jumps into my head.  Perhaps there is, but it doesn't make any difference now, does it?  He's on the west coast now, and I'm east.  If I have my way, I will remain in the east, or I will be going up north to Canada, or across the sea to Europe.  Unless we both converge on UC at some point, our paths are not going to cross again.

At times, I've thought about just taking him up on the video chat discussion, but then I get a hold of myself.  I don't want that.  I never wanted that.  And truthfully, the only reason I wanted an in-person conversation was to finally confront him with a clearer head.  Though I would probably delve into shouting and everything once he started denying everything or saying that things weren't as bad as they were and other stupid shit he was prone to use to defend himself.

Not that he would care anymore.  He barely did before.

I still wonder sometimes whether anything he ever said to me had any sort of truth to it.  For a long time I wanted to believe things that he said, even after I declared my hatred for him.  But now when I think about it I just conclude that everything he ever said to me was untrue.  Or at least the vast majority of it.  And maybe I continue to be harsh: this point of view has remained with me for the past year+, unwavering.  But every time I gave him or what he said the benefit of the doubt, I ended up hurt.  Harshness and pessimism have become my shields.  They do contribute to my tendency to want to be away from people most of the time, but I'm still okay with that price.  The damage I suffered without those protections was too great for me to lower them just yet.  Maybe one day I will.  I have lowered them very slightly in the past few months, but only slightly.  I still don't want to hang out with people or meet anyone new.  Or rather, I say I want to, but when push comes to shove I do not.

It's funny.  He told me I would be okay, and that I would be "golden eventually" when he broke up with me.

I still wonder when 'eventually' is.

Heh.  Another lie.  Unsurprising.


Ugh I'm just in one of those moods today, why.