My meeting with adviser could have gone better; I think I have disappointed him with how little I got done over the summer, and that has caused my morale to drop even more.  Now I'm freaking out about things more than I should be, which makes it difficult to get things done, but I'm also trying to get on a better routine so I could get things done faster.  I don't know.  I'm getting more and more worried about comps and this paper and yet at the same time I can't get over my writer's block and overall lack of motivation.

So anxiety and fear and sadness have all kind of hit me again hardcore with respect to work and I just want to sleep and do nothing.  I'm going to need to skimp out on classwork stuff and focus more on comps and everything this month.  Which I suppose is fine, for my substance classes.  Not so much for Maximum Likelihood though, but that class is super important so it is crucial that I do not slack on that one at all.

Nancy was able to calm me down, saying that despite all that I'm thinking, I'm not a bad student or a bad person, and that is was important for me to not do so much during the summer.  And while that is true, I'm having trouble internalizing it again.  I was fine with it over the summer, but I suppose now that I'm seeing the consequences and hearing people's disappointment all that guilt and shit has rushed back in full force and now I wish I could go back in time and shake myself into having some motivation.

Though roommate pointed out that I actually did do things this summer; a lot of it was coding and a lot more of it was just reading for my paper.  But still.  I could have done more.

I also talked with Nancy about my watching ex's tournament and how weird that was for me.  That I felt like I had no control over what I was doing, in a weird way.  Despite knowing that I should not have been doing that, I felt comfortable with it.  We discussed my desire for comfort; that my super close friends are far away, and actually, he is the best representation of that love and comfort that I once had.  Despite that it was not good, I miss those emotions and those feelings, and going to him is not that strange or weird (according to her).  When I think of those things, he is who comes to mind, because he is the only person I've had that level of connection with.

My bitterness did shine through more when I started talking about the anger and injustice I feel when I think about where he is in his life in comparison to myself.  And maybe it is unfair of me to do that, but comparing is a habit of mine, one I know I probably should fight harder against.  But he is able to do things that he loves with new friends, and has been able to connect and love and trust people in a way I have not.  Meanwhile, he is the one who wronged me, not the other way around.

It is kind of a "life isn't fair" argument but it is kind of where my mind automatically starts to run when I think about everything.  In reality, I am partially to blame for my loneliness, since I continue to distrust people and I have shut myself behind impenetrable walls.  He has a hobby which allows him to meet people easily.  And in terms of significant others...well...it is far more difficult for me to connect with people than it is for him (apparently).  Unlike him, also, I'm not willing to play around with people's emotions just to try and make myself feel better.  ...Though I wouldn't feel better in that scenario anyway, even if I chose to do that.  With no real connection, interaction like that feels empty, and I cannot pretend otherwise.

But I remain in a mode where the risk of getting hurt overrides the potential benefits of new friendships or connections.