crisis

I'm really trying to read this thing for Monday and I feel like all it is doing is discussing the ins and outs of game theory and it is really frustratingly boring because I already know this stuff.  But my American prof decided he was going to assign us weeks for reaction papers rather than, you know, asking for our input on what we would actually like to write about.  Of course I would get stuck with this Monday when I want to relax and enjoy time in WI and also work on my own comps paper.

Ugh I just.  I feel like no matter what happens, Binghamton just follows me.  Which I suppose is not unusual or unsurprising for a graduate student, but it is still annoying.  I want to get away from Bing, and of course this would be the week I need to do a ton of things.  It is like a sick reminder that I just can't ever escape it and I can't escape anything and despite being away I still feel trapped.

But when I go through these modes of feeling as though I'm suffocating, I think about the things friends in private-sector jobs tell me, and what they need to do seems even more unappealing than what academia has so far offered me.  And then I go through this crisis where I wonder what the hell is going to even make me happy.  What the hell should I do?  It isn't as though I have a particular marketable skill set; many unfortunately see the social sciences as a waste of time (and hell, some people would still put me in the humanities camp and to that I would want to choke them because no our fields are not even remotely similar; I find there is value in the humanities, but I just dislike my field being put under that category because it just isn't factually true).

I don't know.  I just feel as though nothing will please me.  Which of course makes my future, no matter how I picture it, very dark.  Which brings back those stupid terrible thoughts and I hate myself right now for even thinking about this stuff when I am in WI with best friend.  ...I'll blame it on the fact that she is still at work and I'm still just hanging out in her apartment by myself.

Really I just...hate this idea that my default mode is sad/angry/cynical/etc., and that any happiness I seem to have been able to obtain is fleeting and dependent on so many things.

And I just get almost comfortable in that default mode, so that anything outside of that feels wrong, somehow.

Of course, all this shit will bleed over into personal life stuff, making me even more withdrawn than I already have become.  I mean, who the hell would ever want to deal with this crap of mine?


...wahhh when is she getting back.