I just saw Inside Out and many feels occurred.

It's been a while since a movie made me cry, but I identified a lot with it and I'm so glad it exists.

Oh look, it's my past relationship with my ex!

(Though I did find this interesting.)

In good news, I have still been feeling good and I have over 13k words written in this fic and I keep actually wanting to write and that is awesome for me.

Oh, and friend gave me a pendant that has enochian symbols for 'Cassiel' who is the archangel Castiel is based on and I am so happy with it.  Because I'm Castiel trash.

So I unreluctantly gave my number to someone today (guy from mma classes).

Huh.

(Though still not sure I'm completely up for the whole dating thing ngl.)

Sometimes I still worry about my weight and how I look and everything so it is kind of awesome and nice when a guy in my mma class asked me if I was the "buffest person on [my] soccer team."  (And then when I said no, said I must have been in the best shape/able to beat people up.)

That was awesome to hear, not gonna lie.

I don't know if it is the new medication or the regular-going to mma classes or the combination of both (most likely, really), but I've been feeling a lot more energetic and less upset about things than I otherwise would be.  Which is...really awesome, actually.

I'm hoping this isn't some sort of placebo effect since I just started the new meds not that long ago but I really do feel like they are working.  I'm less tired and less sad, and I've been getting a lot more shit done in the past few days than I have in a long time because of it.

And I started writing things!  Not anything academic mind you, but fics and stuff.  I wanna write some fun things to try and get back into the idea that writing is enjoyable, and then maybe I can get back to academic writing if I really want.  Even the fics are kind of practice for something I've been thinking of which would be my own work and bigger.

I dunno, I just would like to write something and enjoy writing again.  And I find I am with the fics right now.

Finally put up space invaders!

Well the cynic in me gets to be smug for some time.

While walking the pups, I heard screaming from a house I was passing on my street.  Now, I probably should have just called the cops or something but police make me nervous and I wasn't completely sure if it was necessary.  Also, I would've kept going if the screaming wasn't like...intense. It made me think something was really wrong; I distinctly heard 'help,' so I thought maybe someone was in serious trouble.

I probably should've turned around because the dogs saw a cat or something and Murray got off his leash somehow and I couldn't get them under control. But I was concerned still. Finally after I had knocked a few times, someone came to the door, answering with a really nasty tone and a 'what do you want' and I said I heard screaming so I wanted to be sure everything was okay. She stayed annoyed and Callie, in her excitement, jumped on the door and popped the screen a little. I was obviously sorry but you would've thought I broke a vase of her mother's ashes with the reaction I received. Again. I reiterated that I just wanted to make sure everything was okay because of what I heard and she was like 'he's four!', in reference to who was screaming, and I, completely annoyed, replied that I didn't know that. All I knew was that I heard yelling and I thought someone was in need of help.

I was rudely told to leave and of course, I'm still having problems getting the dogs back under control because it is also a pain in the ass when they are both together (I might ask to only take Callie from now on idk I can't control her and him right now). In my head, I kept saying that I should offer to pay/fix the screen, but at that point, with how hostile she was being, I didn't even think that would be met with any sort of warmness (or really anything less than just more hostility, which I wasn't equipped to deal with).  Finally I get going, angry with fucking everyone: that lady for being so nasty even though I was just trying to help, with the dogs for not being calm and listening to me, and myself for thinking that anything good would come of this.

I ended up, after getting.g home, driving by myself for a bit because I was upset and wanted to be completely alone and I'm just cynical because people are assholes and I don't really know why I try sometimes. Because I will fuck it up and/or my attempt at doing something good and nice will be spat on.

Idk I do feel bad about the screen maybe instead of engaging I'll just put some money in an envelope (like $40-50 idk how much it costs to fix screens) and put it in their mailbox or something.  Then at least my conscience will be clear. 

I got to deal with some mean as shit hillbillies today!

So, I decided that I wanted to go somewhere different today with Callie.  There is this park that roommate B went with Murray that he really liked, so I figured I would try there. When I got there, however, I felt weird because no one was around and it looked like there wasn't even a good place to park my car.  After a little bit, I decided that I would try a different park nearby instead.

I decided to go without the use of my GPS as an adventure, but the road I ended up taking was a dead end.  Now, despite seeing the sign, I wanted to go to the end of the road because it was narrow and usually the end of a dead end road is wider so I figured I'd be able to make my three point turn there.

Instead, I get to the end of the road and have to stop short because these three dogs came at my car from out of nowhere.  Now, I didn't think I hit any of them, but just to be sure, I got out to make sure.  The owners were out, and instead of replying to me or saying hi or even trying to control their dogs and get them away from my car they just kept being nasty to me, as if it was my fault.  I gave up trying to help or anything after I saw that the three dogs were fine, and then got back in my car.  But in trying to reverse, I saw that one of the dogs was now behind my car.  And again, no one tried to do anything for some time.  I didn't want to get out again because I also had Callie and she had already gotten out once and also because I was getting vibes of "we will shoot this city heathen if she does anything" from them.  Finally, one of them came towards my car, and I - not bothering to try and be super nice anymore - just frankly said that I can't/won't back up with that dog right behind my car.  He got it to move (by hitting it with a stick ugh I wanted to say something about that but again...I'm sure they were getting ready to get their guns out) and I was able to get out of there.  But like...the whole thing reminded me of why I hate rural areas for the most part.  They're pretty, but hillbillies abound.

Anyway, I ended up not being able to find the other park, and just went to our regular dog park where Callie got to swim and play with some other pups.  And now she is passed out, basically.

Once again, been a while because I suck and all that stuff.

So having friend here has been nice, though I still am finding my desire to do most things severely lacking.  Though I have found exception in the mma classes; I have been enjoying those, even though I wish I would force myself to go to more during the week.  I have backlogged a few classes so I could definitely go more than just the twice a week for some time.


I said I would talk about my session with psychiatrist.  First, I was put on a new medication combo, now the zoloft + abilify so that will be interesting to start.  We talked about how I keep having these ups and downs, and how the downs can get really down, where I start thinking about how nice it would be for everyone if I just disappeared because I feel like a burden on people, etc., etc.  Hopefully the new combination will help with that.

We also went into my tendency to say yes to practically everything and everyone, even when I would rather say no.  This ranges from innocuous things to things that are really either inconvenient or uncomfortable for me.  But I have this insane feeling of guilt whenever I say no, because I feel like I will disappoint someone or make them sad, and if I had to choose between making myself sad vs. someone else, I'll always choose myself.  He highlighted that this seems to go with the theme where I've acted as a caretaker sometimes, or I'm usually putting the needs and wants of other people ahead of anything for myself.  And that it might be a good idea to start practice saying no in situations where I would like to, but normally make me uncomfortable.

I'll have to see if I can do that.


Normally fb isn't my playground anymore, but fun things happened on mine recently.  And by fun, I mean...things were a clusterfuck, because I voiced my disdain for the grossness of the most recent season of GoT.  Things got heated.  It was interesting.

Oh, and I saw the ex post on a mutual friend's status and kind of stared at it a bit and it made me think of things but I didn't feel a lot of feels and that's good.  Like, I like this idea that even though he comes across in my mind still sometimes, it isn't as bad as it was.  I mean, I still would definitely like to kick him repeatedly in the face if I ever saw him again, but I don't actively think about doing that anymore.  It is more like whenever he comes up and I'm very "oh, yeah, I still would like to punch him if I ever got the opportunity...that'd be sweet" and then just go on doing whatever I'm doing at that moment in time.

Part of me wondered if I could describe my views toward him as "hatred" anymore, and I'm not sure I can, because hatred implies this strong overwhelming feeling of anger and disgust and more and it can be consuming, and it isn't that anymore.  But "dislike" isn't a strong enough word?  I don't know.  Like I don't think about it most of the time and when I do, it is now passive, but still very much "wow he was a fucking douchebag and did a whole ton of horrible shit that he never truly owned up to or apologized for and I will never be okay with the pain he put me through" sort of thing.  I guess I can still call it hate, but like...passive hate?  I dunno.

Again, these thoughts just came up because I saw him on a mutual's dash and my mind started to wander off.

So my friend has moved in to the house and I am super pleased with that even though I wasn't pleased with the state of the house prior to her coming here.  The two who moved out left the place in disarray and there are some money things that we need to sort out and stuff and getting the internet all set up again was a bigger pain in the ass than it should have been, but I enjoy having her here and it should be a good time.  Yay~


I've been having some conflicting thoughts about my weight and everything.  On the one hand, I'm not happy with it...I've gotten heavier again and I miss being super thin at times.  But on the other...the classes I went to this week were the first ones where I didn't need to sit out for anything in particular.  Like...I had eaten beforehand and had drank water rather than soda throughout the day and I felt like I had more energy and could get through the workout without feeling like I was going to pass out at any point.

So, if I could actually get back into a good routine (I've done intense workouts the past few days since I've returned to Bing), maybe I can build up muscle or something.  I'd like that at least.  Then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about the weight and stuff.


I also had a session with psychiatrist yesterday but I'll talk about that in a separate entry later.