Once again, been a while because I suck and all that stuff.

So having friend here has been nice, though I still am finding my desire to do most things severely lacking.  Though I have found exception in the mma classes; I have been enjoying those, even though I wish I would force myself to go to more during the week.  I have backlogged a few classes so I could definitely go more than just the twice a week for some time.


I said I would talk about my session with psychiatrist.  First, I was put on a new medication combo, now the zoloft + abilify so that will be interesting to start.  We talked about how I keep having these ups and downs, and how the downs can get really down, where I start thinking about how nice it would be for everyone if I just disappeared because I feel like a burden on people, etc., etc.  Hopefully the new combination will help with that.

We also went into my tendency to say yes to practically everything and everyone, even when I would rather say no.  This ranges from innocuous things to things that are really either inconvenient or uncomfortable for me.  But I have this insane feeling of guilt whenever I say no, because I feel like I will disappoint someone or make them sad, and if I had to choose between making myself sad vs. someone else, I'll always choose myself.  He highlighted that this seems to go with the theme where I've acted as a caretaker sometimes, or I'm usually putting the needs and wants of other people ahead of anything for myself.  And that it might be a good idea to start practice saying no in situations where I would like to, but normally make me uncomfortable.

I'll have to see if I can do that.


Normally fb isn't my playground anymore, but fun things happened on mine recently.  And by fun, I mean...things were a clusterfuck, because I voiced my disdain for the grossness of the most recent season of GoT.  Things got heated.  It was interesting.

Oh, and I saw the ex post on a mutual friend's status and kind of stared at it a bit and it made me think of things but I didn't feel a lot of feels and that's good.  Like, I like this idea that even though he comes across in my mind still sometimes, it isn't as bad as it was.  I mean, I still would definitely like to kick him repeatedly in the face if I ever saw him again, but I don't actively think about doing that anymore.  It is more like whenever he comes up and I'm very "oh, yeah, I still would like to punch him if I ever got the opportunity...that'd be sweet" and then just go on doing whatever I'm doing at that moment in time.

Part of me wondered if I could describe my views toward him as "hatred" anymore, and I'm not sure I can, because hatred implies this strong overwhelming feeling of anger and disgust and more and it can be consuming, and it isn't that anymore.  But "dislike" isn't a strong enough word?  I don't know.  Like I don't think about it most of the time and when I do, it is now passive, but still very much "wow he was a fucking douchebag and did a whole ton of horrible shit that he never truly owned up to or apologized for and I will never be okay with the pain he put me through" sort of thing.  I guess I can still call it hate, but like...passive hate?  I dunno.

Again, these thoughts just came up because I saw him on a mutual's dash and my mind started to wander off.