I think it is very easy for my students to tell when I'm in a bad mood.

Especially when I kind of snap at one when he basically tried to tell me the wording of my question was bad, even though I've told him multiple fucking times to not do the exact thing he did on his problem set.  For some reason he doesn't want to use 0 as the base number and I do not know why.  Just fucking use it stop being difficult for no damn reason.

I feel a bit bad - it was very obvious I was in no mood.  Usually I am a bit more entertaining and dynamic in my teaching, from what I've been told.  Today I was very...bland.  I am just tired, honestly.  I want to go back to sleep, but I know I can't do that either. 

And I feel bad for still not wanting to talk to anyone.

...

Maybe I should see if therapist has any openings today.  I feel bad bothering her but.

I should call people back.

I know they're just worried.

How selfish am I to have people worried over me about this.  Fuck, I'm really fucking garbage, aren't I.  And I'm doubly selfish for not fucking calling back or answering in the first place.

But I am just.  Not great.  I'm tired.

I was doing kind of okay, I fucking jinxed shit, or something.

I was just talking about this intense fear not too long ago.  And the insanely selfish part of me is saying "leave before others can leave you."


I cancelled class on Friday and I wish I could cancel tomorrow.  I was able to entertain friend for the weekend but I'm back to just.

This.




I need to look at what the plan is for tomorrow.

....

I opened this knowing I should be saying something.  Not entirely sure what that something is, though.  I just feel an emptiness today that I hate and I get into these weird dazed moments where time just...stops and yet it keeps going. 

Even teaching today felt weird.  Like I was all over the place and didn't know what was happening.  Not sure if my students caught on.  Eventually they will, most likely.  Eventually they'll realize how my moods shift and how blank I am underneath it all.  I'm sure my other students have.  At least...most likely.  I don't know.  Maybe not.  Maybe it is arrogant of me to think that.

For a long time I've said that I want to go somewhere.  Just...anywhere.  Somewhere new.  I'm not sure if it would help me, but...maybe it would.  The problem is my lack of money - I can't really afford to do something like that.

I hate that last week I went from being excited about finishing my dissertation and planning on a timeline and shit...and then today I'm in a "what's the fucking point," mood.


I've been thinking a lot about death recently.  Like...someone from my agility class died suddenly and I sort of went into a weird panic about...how that just happens.  And my fear of it happening to the people I care about and love is so intense that I try to remain under the curtain of deep denial.  Honestly, part of me always said "well, you're likely to die before anyone else anyway so what does it matter?"  But I'm not so sure about that anymore.  Thinking about my own demise doesn't bother me.

I'm not sure where I was going...


Things are foggy.