....

I opened this knowing I should be saying something.  Not entirely sure what that something is, though.  I just feel an emptiness today that I hate and I get into these weird dazed moments where time just...stops and yet it keeps going. 

Even teaching today felt weird.  Like I was all over the place and didn't know what was happening.  Not sure if my students caught on.  Eventually they will, most likely.  Eventually they'll realize how my moods shift and how blank I am underneath it all.  I'm sure my other students have.  At least...most likely.  I don't know.  Maybe not.  Maybe it is arrogant of me to think that.

For a long time I've said that I want to go somewhere.  Just...anywhere.  Somewhere new.  I'm not sure if it would help me, but...maybe it would.  The problem is my lack of money - I can't really afford to do something like that.

I hate that last week I went from being excited about finishing my dissertation and planning on a timeline and shit...and then today I'm in a "what's the fucking point," mood.


I've been thinking a lot about death recently.  Like...someone from my agility class died suddenly and I sort of went into a weird panic about...how that just happens.  And my fear of it happening to the people I care about and love is so intense that I try to remain under the curtain of deep denial.  Honestly, part of me always said "well, you're likely to die before anyone else anyway so what does it matter?"  But I'm not so sure about that anymore.  Thinking about my own demise doesn't bother me.

I'm not sure where I was going...


Things are foggy.