Qualities

Oh, I was also told today that I have "all the qualities of a great professor."

As in, I'm scatterbrained when it comes to doing life things, don't really like talking to people, and am for the most part unorganized (though I maintain I am much more organized than some of my peers).

I took this as a compliment.

Today was prospectus day and I have never felt more anti-social.  Well...I probably have, but today it was felt kind of hardcore since I was expected to socialize and everything.

Mostly I ended up sticking with people I already knew, and I was able to talk to a few professors a bit more.  I learned that a professor originally from Germany is actually like...the most badass person ever and she loves going to concerts and used to mosh all the time when she was younger and has awesome taste in music for the most part and I am so tempted to one day run in her office and grab her for a concert mosh session and it would be so fucking fantastic.

And then at happy hour I was able to talk with the professor who focuses on foreign policy about my ideas for dissertation and he seemed really interested in things I was talking about and that kind of made me super excited.  It is a new area for me, so I like the idea that maybe I'm not already totally fucking it up.

But with what day it is in the back of my mind and with having to constantly communicate all day with no real rest or time for myself to recuperate...it just puts me in a weird mood where I want to do anything that does not involve human interaction.  So I took Callie out for a walk in the freezing cold and then decided to not go to the dinner thing that I really should have gone to so that I could clean the house.  My parents and friend are coming this weekend to visit, so I want things to look nice for them and everything.

I feel a bit guilty, but at the same time I just do not really care all that much that I skipped this thing.  I know that I would just be in a bad mood if I went, especially since we ended up not being able to go to the restaurant we originally wanted to, and our backup was a place that is kind of shit and I really did not want to go or anything.

So I shall clean the house as much as I can because it so desperately needs cleaning.

Oh, and at happy hour, ex-guy sat down next to me and started talking to me, and I'm being friendly with him to an extent, but I still feel weird and awkward trying to talk to him and all.  And thinking about that on this particular day made me want to interact with people even less.

I really can't wait for friend to get here, because honestly, she is the only person (besides parents) that I really want to interact with.  Maybe a dose of her will re-energize me a bit or something.

After class today, roommate and I just sat on the couch, ignored all responsibility and homework that we really should have been doing, and played D3 for hours.  While of course, eating chips and dip and cookies and drinking soda all while watching The Lion King, then Spirited Away, then Howl's Moving Castle, and then Archer.

So, post-class, an overall good day.  Didn't do anything that I was supposed to, but...oh well.

Before we were talking with one of our cohortmates about this semester, and how we just don't care and it seems to be really slow-paced.  We feel as though we've been here way longer than we actually have, which is made even worse when we realized we don't have any days off until Spring break in April.

I would say that this is the worst semester so far but I feel as though I say that for every semester.  It should be getting easier, I would think.  In reality, I'm just getting more and more exhausted and disillusioned with everything.  Even with the prospective students coming tomorrow I'm just very "eh," and I have to talk with them and be social all day and I do not want to.


Also la la la two years and I don't feel better because I suck at everything.


Here, look at my demon hunter.  She is ninja queen, apparently.  My god that crown.  (I am kind of super enjoying this update at least.  It is interesting.)

Can't sleep.

Which wouldn't be terrible if I didn't have to teach at 10:30 tomorrow morning.

But I keep thinking things and despite being exhausted I just haven't been able to fall asleep.

New D3 update seems pretty sweet.  Probs will get expansion as soon as it comes out or something.

Apparently some prospectives are coming tomorrow and we're hosting one?  I thought we were just hosting on Friday-Saturday.  I really don't want to host a prospective two nights just because I am lame and I don't want to entertain a stranger for that long.

At least parents and then Anisha will be around after that.  Wheee.


Also there is a Catbug squishable and I might need to obtain.

All I've been doing is designing sneakers (since it isn't only converse that does it and oh my god so cool) and trying to stop myself from buying every single one of them.  It is bad.  They're expensive, naturally, but I just want them.  They're so coooool.

Class was actually pretty okay today, and I might have found another question for a possible manuscript idea.  I really am getting more and more into the foreign policy sphere and I am kind of digging it.  It is not an area I would have ever predicted getting into a year ago.  But it might be cool to look at this problem and try and go to Peace Science or something.

We'll see.

Also there is a catbug squishable and I might need to obtain.

This morning, when I was speaking with my dad on the phone about things (he and my mom had a fab time on the cruise and thanked me a lot for finding the flight for them and they said that they had several drinks dedicated to me aha), we started talking a little about my visits with Nancy and everything.  Now, I was in the office, so I didn't want to go into specifics, but at the same time...I wonder if I ever will go into specifics with them.  Really, I kind of want to tell them about everything but...I always choke up because I don't want to make them worry even more than they already do, and so I just don't go into the whole thing.  I don't go into the loneliness, the disconnectedness from everyone and the fact that very little interests me anymore.  I do not go into the emotionless void I am trapped in, with nothing but my own cynicism and self-loathing to keep me company.

Because I don't want them to worry.  And I don't want them to pity me either.

My dad said, after speaking to him a bit about my medication getting refilled, that he is starting to worry about my possible dependence on it.  That he isn't sure because he isn't a doctor or anything, but that is a fear, and truthfully it probably is a legitimate one.  I didn't think, originally, that I'd still be with meds after this much time, and frankly, the idea of not having them kind of freaks me out.  ...Should I be worried about that myself?  I'm not, but maybe I should be?  (There is that dreaded 'should' again...)

...

Got up some courage to respond to some okcupid stuff.  Not everyone, because I don't have that much energy, but some, which I guess is okay.


Also I just realized that converse lets you custom-make sneakers and while I have never worn converse I might want to now just because custom sneakers.  Though I'm aware I have weird taste and probably would be the only one who would wear this kind of stuff.  ...Luckily they are super expensive so that is deterring me from making too many and buying too many.

But here, have some designs.

The last two are my faves.  I think the very last is the one I like the most out of all of them.

...Also I'm aware that the red-black-yellow is my alma mater's colours but shut up I like that combination.  

My session today was filled with me further discussing my lack of connections with people and everything recently.  Also how my constant "shoulds" further my depression and apathy and continue to impose those super harsh perfectionist standards I have on myself.

I talked about how I am both lonely and want to be left alone, and that I just don't feel comfortable around most people, and that I just do not trust them.  That since coming to Binghamton, I really have not found someone like my college roommate or my best friend from home...I have close friends in my roommates here, but my relationship with them is not comparable to my relationship with the former two.  There have been too many times that I've tried to get close to someone and then it blows up in my face, so I'm tired and discouraged and everything.

I am completely aware that many of these issues I've already discussed, but...I dunno.  I guess if it keeps coming up it doesn't matter that I keep talking about it.

...

I was going to write more, but I'm so sleepy that I can't think of more.

Aimed at several different people.

I miss you.








(Man what is going on with me tonight I am a ball of lonely and sad despite not wanting to talk to people directly about things.  I will blame it on not taking meds for the past few days.  Also don't mind my too many posts please holy hell.)

Car hunting is the absolute worst but I might try and go see some tomorrow because if I could get a new one before the weekend that would actually be fantastic.  Or I could just rejump Cornelius and see if he could at least run locally again or something.  Though if I want to go to Syracuse with Anisha, I don't think I can take him all the way there.  Poop.

...Yes, I am procrastinating on my work because my ears are ringing and my head hurts and I have sads and stuff.


The World is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die is wonderful and gorgeous.  Spotify makes listening to new bands way easier; why didn't I get it earlier.

I'm still feeling terrible and I want to just lay down and watch Archer or South Park or something equivalent but I need to write a reaction paper for IR by noon tomorrow and I still have two papers to read before I can get on that.

And I agreed to go to dinner tonight with the roommates and while it seemed like a good idea at the time I am slightly regretting it/thinking about backing out not because it would not be super fun, but because I am just really tired and still don't feel well and I should focus on work and everything.  (Even though I am writing in here shut up I know it is counterproductive.)

Though steak and fries and blooming onion sounds like it should be delicious.  Om nom.

Still though.

...I am still sad...ish, I guess, today.  Really I'm in this fog of feeling like I can't do shit right and I'm in this weird mood and keep kind of laughing at myself in a depreciating manner because "oh ha it has been two years in a few days since the ex split and you're still not completely over it because you fucking suck at life and should just become a hermit and try harder to rid yourself of all emotional ties and stop attempting to be happy because nope it isn't going to happen because you don't deserve to be because you are terrible and suck and no one would miss you if you were gone and you should just peace out and fuck off."

...Yeah.  That and some semblance of it has been running through my head all day and I have not been able to fight it off so I've succumbed to it and I am aware of how damn annoying it is to people so I've just been saying nothing and going about my business even though I still feel sick and everything too.

I have no idea what to do to make myself happier, I really don't.  Everything I can do seems so tiring and it is bad enough I get speeches about how this time during grad school is "not the time to find yourself" and that I pretty much should only be working, so whenever I do something outside of that I feel super fucking guilty.

I just want to sleep for at least a week or so.  Preferably longer, but a week would be nice.

...I'm going to cuddle with my squishables now.  Because they are cute and my doggie is asleep in her own bed.

I kind of wish I had the conviction to do something drastic with my appearance.  I kind of admire people who go from having long hair and then decide to spontaneously buzz it all off and everything.  Or people that just go get tattoos and don't need to sit around contemplating when and where and how much it would cost and all that.

This idea of dying my hair has been coupled with a partial desire to restyle it but I don't really know what to or anything, and I would want to keep it long.  Really, I hate my hair short and I just think it makes me look like a child.  Some of my other girlfriends have short hair and they look fucking badass with it, but I feel like I just get ten years younger when I do it, which is not what I am aiming for at all.

Bah, I don't know.  I just keep wanting to change something or do something big with my appearance, since I don't really do anything like that despite always having this secret desire to.

I'm just really really...unhappy with my life and who I am and everything, so I keep hoping that maybe I can do something, but I'm also afraid to do anything drastic because I suck at everything.

The self-loathing is out in full force tonight...I'll blame that on sickness and lack of medication for the weekend.  I really should remedy that tomorrow.


Put my bigger tv back in my room since the biggest tv which was downstairs has been relocated to the living room.  So since mine was no longer being used, I put that back in here.  Now maybe I'll use my smaller one for like...dual-monitor purposes or something.  That could be cool to try and do.


Also Star Fucking Hipsters.  Pretty sweet.

...Sad feels kind of overwhelmingly so right now and I realize it might be because I have not had meds in past two days because I've been too sick to go get the refill that I need.  

Also listening to Transatlanticism which is always a wonderful idea. 

And ex-related thoughts I will blame on soon to be breakup-versary coming up. 

Chibi Mountain Story

I've been cleaning my room all day despite still being really sick.

And I just found a little red notebook that I had while in London, and also used it for some stuff over the summer.

Stupidly, I started to flip through it.

And I stumbled upon a few sketches.

Sketches of a little story that I had mailed to my ex while I was in London.

About me being on a fort on a mountain, unwilling to come out for anyone or let anyone in.

Until this one guy came along, and made me feel safe enough to come out.

And I drew these little chibis along with the story, and I forgot that I had sketched them out beforehand in this little notebook.

...

Part of me thinks a sequel is in order.

My chest feels like it is on fire, and not in a good way at all.

Since I slept late and then took a nap from like...2 to 5:30 or something ridiculous like that, I'm not very sleepy right now.  Also more about battery: my old one caused minimal lag while I was playing D3, so yeah...I'll call or something tomorrow and look at getting a refund and put that towards a Dell battery instead.  Despite that it will be more expensive.  Oh well.

...I should probably try to sleep though.  I didn't realize how late it was.  Oops.

I've been sick all day and so have not been able to do any sort of work, which is really shitty since I wanted to read and write for both IR and comparative this week.  I need to write for IR, since I signed up, but I won't be able to write for comparative.  Sad.

Having some problems with my brand new laptop battery and that is really annoying, actually.  It says that it is at 13% and charging, but it actually does not charge at all.  I updated drivers and uninstalled/reinstalled the battery and checked out the BIOS and everything but nothing seems to be working.  So I decided to check out my old battery and see if it would charge and I put it in and it is charging, so that leaves me to think that something is wrong with the battery.  Luckily, there is an 18 month warranty on it, so I can contact them and ask about getting it replaced or getting a refund or something.  Though I can't find a damn email for the company, only a phone number, which is really weird and lame because I would much rather email than call.

Wah, why did this happen.


Also I have been ignoring okcupid messages today because there are too many and I really don't feel well at all.

Alright, so now that I am not watching Prince of Egypt and therefore distracted, I can get more thoughts down and everything.

I keep getting a fuck ton of messages on okcupid and so far no creepers, but at the same time it is becoming kind of overwhelming.  Honestly I did not think that I would get as many as I have been, and it is from a lot of different people and everything and while I'm having good conversations I also am wondering if they would all just be okay with being friends, because that is honestly all I am looking for at the moment.  I mean, I put that in my profile, but people can sometimes skip over that part, I imagine.

It is nice to talk to other people, but again, I'm starting to already become drained.  Even meeting new people online takes a lot from me, so to have more messages than I thought I would have at the moment and feeling the need to respond to every single one is kind of a lot.  Maybe I'll take it a bit slower or something.


Anyway, I kind of want to go through some thoughts about last night's conversation with the roommate.

It was nice, very nice, but at the same time I did not really feel much from it.  Not as much as I should have, anyway.  I enjoyed the conversation and I am happy (as much as I can be, I suppose) that it happened, but the fact that I was not completely moved by it and sometimes just felt awkward and everything is weird.  I was explaining my emotionlessness to roommate so hopefully if I ever explained this to him he would understand.  I asked him to not take things personally if I ever get like this or ever don't want to talk or want to be left alone or anything like that, and I guess this sort of lack of emotions fits into that whole thing.

When we were talking about our exes, I started becoming slightly worried and nostalgic.  Yes, we talked about bad times, but I also started remembering good times and exactly how much I loved the ex, and how much he meant to me.  That even though he started dragging me down and everything, all I ever wanted to do was help him.  That my connection with him has dwarfed (by a long shot) any other connection that I have ever had with another human being.  And that that connection made me want everything with him, even when things were not perfect.  Despite him being imperfect, he was perfect to me.

And I thought about that, and thought about it for a moment, then saying that despite me being (supposedly) perfect, I was imperfect to him.

He constantly claimed I was perfect and did nothing wrong, and yet what happened happened and I could not alter the path that he put us on, no matter how much I wanted to.  And still, to this day, I do not understand why.

I recalled how hurt I was when I found out he was fooling around with other people within the month of leaving me.  I remembered how I could not breathe and how I sobbed hysterically and screamed and felt betrayed because all he ever told me was how perfect I was and how much he had loved me, even after he left.  How I was his favourite, and that I was irreplaceable.

And I became a bit sad.  Because I cannot imagine having that deep intense connection again.  And those emotions I felt with him seem absolutely impossible to even imagine right now.

...I sincerely do think that I will not have that again.

So I saw doctor today and I kind of missed talking to him, so that is definitely going to become a bi-weekly thing again this semester, I imagine.  After I told him about everything that happened and about my lack of a wide range of emotions, he seemed to feel really bad for me, saying that he was hoping that the enthusiasm and drive I had for my work at the end of last semester would have persisted.  He then said that it sounds like my lack of emotions is just because I am really really depressed still.  Which...makes sense. 

We decided to go up to 250 mg a day, thinking that it might be able to help. 

Something fun though: due to Twitch Plays Pokemon, friends and I are interested in starting a fun journal to talk about like...collective action problems and theories in these kinds of things.  It really would be interesting.  

Now just watching a bunch of animated movies and it is actually really awesome.

Roommate and I had a very very nice conversation about things, and I'm glad that we had it and got to talk about stuff.

Both our exes came up a lot, as our situations parallel each other, which was kind of a double-edged sword.  Because I was able to talk about it, but at the same time it kind of reminded me of...feels and stuff.

...I'm too tired to elaborate right now.

I really really hate these professionalism discussions, despite knowing how important they are.

They just discourage me and make me very sad; some of it is very pessimistic and it is very "you are only allowed to work and you must conform to what others want and you can't really do so much else and this isn't the time to find yourself and you need to network and you need to just bang out manuscripts but should only be in your field and etc., etc."

And I just get very scared because there are many days where getting out of bed is too much work for me.  Where my mood and my bad thoughts kind of immobilize me and prevent me from doing anything.  Plus, I want to be able to express myself...I know that is kind of counterproductive to getting a job or whatever anywhere but I still want to.

Then of course I wonder if I can actually do everything that is expected of me, despite people thinking that I am smart and write well and do good work...I just start thinking that this is going to be fruitless and I'm going to disappoint everyone around me and myself.  Which brings on my questions about what can I do, because I have no goddamn skills outside of academics (and even in there they are questionable).

And then when I realize just how fucking useless I am, those terrible thoughts telling me to just do the thing that I constantly think about get loud as hell.  To a point where I start looking for places and start staring at things kind of longer than I should, and everything.

But then I think about Callie and my parents and I hesitate.  Even though they deserve someone who doesn't suck as much as I feel like I do.

So I think my introduction to R went decently well...I hope.  I know R is very different from Stata and so it can be confusing to learn and all, and I just hope that they will try to learn both since I am going to try harder to do that this year myself.

I didn't really have anything prepped for a crash course in Stata simply because I was not sure how much they knew and I did not want to go over a ton of things they were already aware of.  So I just kind of showed them some graphs that I have done for my own work in the past and everything.

But it was good, I think.  I really do hope so.  I want to help them through this as much as I can.  I do need to come up with an assignment for them to do...it shouldn't end up being too difficult.  I don't want to scare them too too much more than I think I already might have.

I am somewhat tired, though, since I could not fall asleep last night for some reason.


...I really should go car hunting this weekend.  For real.

I'm just now realizing how grammatically terrible my previous entry was.  Probably because I was also watching South Park and writing my lesson plan and hanging out so that all contributed to me not paying attention to what I was writing.  Oh well.

I'm trying to really go through this coding for R, and I want to try and give them as much a foundation as possible for later on, though I also don't want to hold their hands so much that they can't do things on their own.  I'm going to emphasize trying to learn things by themselves; if they don't know a code for something, they should not immediately jump to asking someone else what it is.  I found I learned the best when I had to work through my issues with codes and everything...often being up for hours and hours and finding myself incredibly frustrated.  Especially with R.  But it did help, actually.  And I'm sure I'll continue to gt frustrated with both Stata and R but I'll keep trying to learn more things on my own.  Plus, having to teach them both will help me.

And I really would like to learn more in the ggplot2 package in R because those graphs are damn nice, actually.  I took a look at what I did last year, and...yep.  I'd like to be more comfortable with that so I can use it for graphing purposes.


Anyway, I was really sad this morning.  In a fog and dazed and tired and everything.  I avoided food until roommate asked me to get lunch with him and I guess my hunger overrode my sadness in that moment, since I went with him to the new food place that campus just got (it is kind of huge and awesome and I recognize some of the places from UC and that made me a bit nostalgic aha) a grilled chicken breast and some fries and it was yummy.

And I started off class still kind of sad and everything, but things got a bit better after I realized that this class session wouldn't be as bad as the two previous weeks had been.

Plus, I did cave and sign up for okcupid, though I did put that I am only looking for friends.  Honestly, I'm not sure what will come of it, but I got a few messages and responded to all of them (though apparently there is a 2-5 line convention/unwritten rule or something and I didn't know and I'm prone to tl;dr all over the place so if some people don't respond I won't be surprised, aha).  I'm hoping that people are just nice and will talk with me about stupid stuff.  Some are other Binghamton grad students, so maybe one day if we keep chatting I can meet up with some of them for lunch noms in the new food place or something.

Even though it was via a computer, chatting with new people wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Actually, it was probably better via computer and stuff.  But...we shall see.  I just think it would be a good idea to meet new people, as a way to try and tell myself not to do the bad things that my inner voice constantly tells me to do to myself.

Plus maybe, just maybe, I'll get out of the house a bit more.

Although I woke up feeling terrible and everything and actually debated skipping class, but since I was supposed to have a meeting with a professor about some papers, I dragged my ass there anyway.  I probably would have went no matter what but still.  My professor unfortunately cancelled after I got there, saying he got stuck at home, so I'll talk to him as soon as possible.

Surprisingly, though, today's class went actually well.  The professor was better today in that she seemed more open to everyone's ideas, including those who did not agree with each other and her.  And we got to make fun of constructivism and she liked some of the jokes I made, which was kind of a good way to ease tension and stuff.

Plus we got to leave early.  So that was nice.

I made grilled cheeses today and they were yummy.  Told myself I had to nom, so I made something delicious.  Woo.

Writing my lesson plan for tomorrow.  Have only gone through R so far.  Wahhhh.

...I'm just really sad today.

To the point where I'm wondering why I should bother doing anything.

All my friends are either going to let me down or I am going to push them away before they can.

I have returned to a cycle of not eating partially because I don't care enough to and partially because the idea of withering away to nothing is really appealing.

In my session with Nancy, I pretty much vocalized my annoyances with kind of everything, especially with some things with the roommate and how I am so cynical and tired and I want to just run away and not have to deal with anyone or anything.  We went over some things that maybe I can do to get out of the house and meet new people and maybe that will make me less...miserable.  Or something.

So I did absolutely nothing when I got home except watch Parks & Rec and...that's pretty much it.  I should be trying to do something now but I'm still really tired and sad and I don't want to do anything.  So I probably won't.  And I don't care if I put myself behind.

I did make a grilled cheese with my panini grill though.  It was good.

...Not even in the mood to type a lot right now.

"What are your preferences?  Do you want a good grade, or do you want to make your argument?"

The fact that this was seriously asked to me is infuriating.  The fact that I was asked to change/censor my argument (or its tone, whatever) not because it isn't good (because I was told that it was good) but because my professor "will not like it," is fucking horrible and I hate this.

I should not have to make that choice.

When I said I wanted both, because those things, especially in a goddamn graduate fucking program, should not be mutually exclusive, I was told that I might have to choose...I almost lost my shit.  Really, I did.  I should not have to change a good argument to one that I don't really like as much just because my prof is not going to agree with it.  I don't know how many fucking things I have written that I received As on with comments like "I don't think you give [author] enough credit" or "I personally disagree but you made your point well."  Why is that not good enough for this professor, and why the shit should I have to change things just because she sucks?

And yeah, maybe I'm not being very adaptable (actually, I know I'm not), but this is like...academic integrity stuff right now and I take this kind of shit seriously.  Usually, I am not willing to sacrifice grades, but in this case, I very well might be.  I'll be pissed, but fuck, if my argument is good I should not need to change anything!

Plus, if I have a 4.0 and all of a sudden don't do well in this one class, I think that will say more about her than me to everyone else.

I was angry and mentioned that I know that if I go to someone else and talk to them about this, I know that I am going to stand alone.  Roommate gave me a look and asked me what I meant about that, and I didn't really clarify.  I did mean what I said though.  Despite that I am not the only one who has complained about her (though admittedly I have been the most vocal about it), I know that if I said that I was going to go talk to someone and see what could be done or what I can do about it, no one would back me up.  No one would say, "oh Allison I'll go with you too because this shit is terrible."  No one would risk their reputation because people are all self-interested and everything and why would anyone risk that when they could free-ride on me if I am successful?  I mean, I was the one last year to talk to my game theory professor about splitting the six hour sessions we were having into two blocs due to our fatigue and frustration with classes that long.  Despite that everyone was complaining about it.  I was the one to do it.  Alone.  If I go to someone about this I know it will be the exact same shit because friends don't back each other up when it comes to school and grades I guess.

Man, I really am cynical.

But if this is the shit I'm going to have to deal with more often than not, I don't know if I want to be in academia.  Which sucks, because I know I do want to be in academia.  Just maybe not the research part anymore.  Even though I like doing my own research.  So I do want to do that.  I just don't want to have to put up with this.

And perhaps I should take this as an exercise in "dealing with someone you don't like," but this is far beyond me just not liking this prof's personality.  It is, again, an academic integrity thing.  This sort of crap threatens to stunt my growth as an academic.

I'm really upset right now.

AND NOW I FEAST. 

Also I made way too much.  Oops.  But it shall be delicious. Not necessarily healthy, but whatever. 

One of these days I am going to burn down my house due to my horrid cooking skills.

When you leave oil heating up at a temp that is too high, you will not notice the massive amounts of smoke surrounding you and spilling into the living room while you prep your chicken cutlets.  Only until you turn around to check something will you notice.  And then freak out, open all the windows possible, and tell the fire alarm to "not go off" a second before it does.

Oops.

Annoyance

I am so annoyed at everything right now. Roommate is acting all weird and I don't know if it is just because of his own reasons or because I wasn't enthusiastic this morning and didn't say he could come in my room (since, you know, I was getting ready...and it is my room so I don't need an excuse.

Then instead of parking a few feet further away, he parks in a spot covered in snow, so now the car is stuck. Which I wouldn't care about, because I could just walk, but I need to pick the pups up from daycare later. So woo.

Then, instead of walking beside me to this class (which he complained about last time and it is optional for him, since it is my TA class), he just walked behind me awkwardly, which made me more and more annoyed. I decided to say fuck it and keep walking at my own pace.

And now I am listening to a conversation among the first years that makes no goddamn sense and so I'm getting even more annoyed.

Music time until prof arrives.

Walked the dogs and the poop bag I had split and got all over my jacket (luckily my puffy one and not my peacoat) and it was gross and it smelled and people are using the washing machine and stuff so I just put it outside to air out and tomorrow when the washer is free I will put that in there because gross.

Also, I know the roommate and I are helping each other out and stuff when we take the other's doggie out for walks, but I am becoming more and more frustrated with his pup on our walks.  He just constantly pulls and never seems to learn, even when I harshly correct him with a leash snap or a face plant or something.  And of course, he riles up Callie sometimes, so she isn't as well behaved when he is around compared to when it is just her.

Right now, since it is so cold (seriously, let us just say that when it is in the teens I'm all "IT'S WARM YAY" and I don't even feel it as bad when it is in the higher single digits) it really is beneficial for us to split the walks, but I might ask to just go with Callie when the Spring hits unless his pup stops pulling because it really does aggravate me and I'm not sure what to do, since all the corrections I do with Callie which work on her don't seem to phase him.

Mind you, Callie is not perfect on every walk herself, but she is more receptive to my corrections when she isn't behaving, and she was receptive when I first took her home (not as well as now, but still).

Really, I might just be getting annoyed at everything.  The puppy acts like a puppy and I'm getting more annoyed at him, which isn't fair because he is young and everything.  Really, the thing that grates on me the most is the barking.  He barks at fucking everything, it seems like sometimes.  If we are walking, he can't go past anyone without going crazy, and he is small so he has a somewhat high-pitched bark and it kind of rings in your ears.  It makes me more grateful for the fact that Callie has never really been like that and usually is super quiet (exception of whining...she whines more than she should, but it is usually if I leave the room or I'm in the bathroom and she isn't...that kind of stuff).

Again, I know I am being unfair; it isn't like Callie was super well-behaved in her first few months, but I guess she was never as young, and I just felt like she listened better than he does.  Though I guess that comes with her breeding and everything.  Then again, I suppose the pup's (assumed) breeding explains his behaviour as well.

...I still need to find an agility place to try and start on that with Callie.


Finished my response (well, besides editing) for Wednesday, so now I need to do stuff for Thursday tomorrow.  Yay for being ahead sometimes.

I haven't gone to a concert since the Streetlight ones back in November and I am getting really fucking antsy.

Though the bad thing is that I have been so unmotivated to leave Binghamton (despite really wanting to for a weekend or something) and do not have a working car (I have been using the roommate's for local places but would never ask to use it to drive somewhere far).  Hell even going places outside my house are kind of annoying sometimes.  My roommate said that we should arcade this week and I said sure though in my head I was kind of thinking that it is too far and I don't really care enough to go.

I've just felt awkward around people in general.  And I feel bad, somewhat, because I know that it is noticeable.  Or at least, I assume it is.  It seems that way.


Also I'm sick of this IR class already and I'm so over writing about the international system.  Ugh.

Cyanide and Racing

Weird dream last night that was kind of all over the place. Unfortunately the ex was in it, but I'm not surprised by that anymore.

First, I remember my parents were around, and they were getting ready to go to the airport but it was like...10 minutes before their plane was leaving or something. Then we were at the airport going through security and the power in the entire place went out, and I worried about whether or not their plane was going to take off. It did, after the power went back on. I also recall a bar in the airport that was called, "The Bench," and its theme was the Supreme Court.

Then I left but I didn't go home; instead I went to some place and met up with my roommate from undergrad. We started racing other people on motorcycles; I drove and she hung onto me. A few times, we raced against ex and his friend, and we kept trying to find shortcuts and everything in order to beat them. I remember I always had to drive on a "Castle Road" or something.

We were neck and neck in one race, and ex started talking about the fact that he should have a cyanide pill in waiting. I started yelling at him, saying that was the dumbest shit idea that I had ever heard, and that he was so goddamn selfish and never thought about the people who cared about him. I then pulled ahead, really angry that he wanted to do something like that.

I'm sure I'm missing a lot. That dream was all over the place and weird. I'm almost certain there was another big part but I can't remember it right now.

Weird.

Save

Moments like the one I just had make me think that I really can help people and maybe I'm not as bad as I think and that I can do nice things that are important and stuff.

My mom and dad have had a cruise booked starting tomorrow for a few months now.  I knew how excited they were.  So when I read a text from my dad saying that their flight for tomorrow was cancelled and there were no others, and that therefore they would not make it down to Florida for the boat, I got really determined to find an available flight.  So I stopped my game of Diablo I was playing with the roommate to search on Kayak.  And I was able to find something leaving out of Islip at 6:30 or so in the morning with only two seats left, and I immediately called my dad and sent him the link.

When he said that the site was only showing one seat available, I told him that I thought it would be a good idea to call, because my source said there was two and that it was still flying despite other cancellations.

So he got off the phone with me and called them, and I went in search for a backup.  Found one leaving out of D.C. in the morning, but I luckily did not need to use it because he called me back thanking me saying that they got it and the trip was back on!  He sounded super happy and I was jumping up and down shouting "YAYYYYY" in my living room because I was so excited that they are able to go and I was really happy I was able to help them and everything.

Really...even though this isn't a huge huge thing, it still made me think that I mattered in some way.  I helped my parents when they thought they were not going to be able to go and was able to make them happy again.  That counts for something, right?

I think so.

Callie had her grooming appointment today, and while she was there I went over to Target to sit in the cafe area and finish up my response paper for Monday.  That was a really good idea and it might help to go to places like that to try and do work, since I did finish it within the two hours she was getting a bath and everything.  Meanwhile, I had been trying to write at home beforehand and was having a really difficult time.

So yeah, good idea there.

Going to take a break now I think to watch Archer and play some D3.  Hopefully I won't get too sucked in and realize it is midnight before stopping because I want to read my readings for Wednesday so that I can write that response tomorrow.  And then read the judicial stuff on Monday and prepare for that since I am one of the discussion leaders.

And I need to grade the homeworks for the first years and come up with a lesson plan for Thursday.


Karen mentioned Airband and the possibility that we stay at her parents' house that weekend so I could bring Callie down and I am way too into that idea.

Me playing Diablo for a long time while home alone with my pup cuddled up on/next to me on the couch was the best time I've had all week and that is probably not very good.  Because I do that often, at the expense of social interactions.  And it wouldn't matter as much if I at least socialized a little but I don't because I have neither the energy to do so nor care enough to try.

And of course, my roommates are all downstairs having some drinks and chatting and being normal and I am in my bed, sleepy but not actually going to sleep.  Because despite roommate asking me how I'm doing almost every day and me constantly saying I do not want to talk about it, I just feel like an outsider, almost.  Among my closest circle of friends here, and I can't even feel completely comfortable around them anymore.  I am only comfortable on the surface...kind of.  It is weird an I know I am not doing anything to combat that but I guess my defeatist look on relationships has overpowered my desire to feel close to people anymore.  Despite that I do want that; I feel like there is some piece of me that is missing, and I can't figure out how to get it back so I've become accustomed to it being gone.

Once again, as with many times I try to describe how I feel, I have no idea if that makes any sort of sense.

Part of me keeps wondering about making like...an okcupid account or something, but then I think that is really lame and stupid and it isn't like I'd be active on it anyway or anything.  Plus I hear too many horror stories and stuff.

...I told myself I would do one thing in D3, and that was...a few hours ago.

My demon hunter is getting good, though.  And once I got to Act II on Nightmare, I kind of had to keep going.

So much for starting/completing my reaction paper for political parties tonight.  Oh well.

Luckily, I haven't been bombarded with too much Valentine's Day stuff today.  And I have been spending a lot of time with the pups outside and everything so that took my mind off a lot of things.  They did manage to chew through the long line that Callie was on, though, so she was free roaming for a bit.  But she did not run really far from Murray and she came right to me when I called her to come in and everything.  So that was good. 

I am feeling really tired, so I'm kind of procrastinating on doing any work.  And I didn't go to bar, because I really did not want to be around people.  As usual. 

...I should eat.  Or nap.  

This was going to be longer but I am far too sleepy. 

Snow Doggies

They are really enjoying the snow. 

For reference, this is what shit looks like. 

SO MUCH SNOW.  MUST SNIFF THROUGH ALL OF IT.

From the other day; let's just say there is a ton more snow now than there was when this was originally taken.

More Diablo today.  Grinding my demon hunter while trying to get more Act I achievements.

Target sucks you in and makes you buy way more stuff than you originally planned on buying but you realized last minute that you needed it.

Also I'm glad we did that because the snowfall is supposed to get really really heavy soon.


Seeing former guy-friend refer to his girlfriend as, well...his girlfriend, made me sigh and kind of sucked some energy out of me.  I don't know why; seeing things like that in writing, even if I already know the truth and all, just makes me really sad.

Whenever Binghamton decides to cancel some classes, mine seem to always fall just outside the time frame of those which are not meeting for the day, and my professors decide - despite that it is coming down hard and the roads are barely plowed - that we are going to stay the course.

Boo.  Allie never gets a snow day.  Even though there is so much goddamn snow outside.

I actually really like it, and Callie loves it.  I just don't want to have to leave my house now.


Tired.  Woke up a bit too early but couldn't go back to sleep so I took Callie out for an hour-long walk in the snow.  Needless to say, she was very happy.

Video Blog 3

Recorded on Sunday, if I recall correctly.

Also I spent a few hours playing D3. My priorities are definitely in the right place, obviously.

As expected, class was horrendous for me. 

The conversation was just uninteresting and dull, for the most part, and it was like pulling teeth to get anyone to say anything remotely worthy of listening to.  I just kept getting angrier and angrier as time went on, and roommate said that I looked angry the entire time during the class.  At one point, I joked to roommate about how, according to this one author, the tragic flaw of hegemons is hubris, and epic poems could be made about them.  But I said it only to him, and prof snidely told me to "speak up so at least everyone could hear" or something, and I felt like I was in elementary school getting caught passing a note and having to read it out loud to everyone in the class.  And of course, feeling like that made me feel even worse.

Then, we got on economics, and that always produces a lovely discussion.  And by lovely, I mean close-minded and terrible to listen to because people start yelling and interrupting each other and it just is not constructive.  I kept getting annoyed and told a cohortmate to stop interrupting and later to "get off his soapbox please" because he was just ranting on and on and wasn't allowing anyone to talk and it was bothering me.  It kind of reminded me of an article I read about how men are taught that screaming matches and being obnoxiously loud are good debates, while women appear to be more patient (these aren't absolutes), so a debate amongst all women is usually more cordial, even with dissenting opinions. 

And then, of course, I started in on a feminist rant in my head about how I'm tired of listening to mostly white dudes just scream over each other and me having to tell them to not interrupt me or other people and to calm the fuck down.  Seriously, anyone who says men are logical and detached from emotions has not had an intense debate with them, because I find that that is just not true.  And I'm not saying women are more logical; I myself have gotten very emotional in debates and everything.  But saying that men are not just as emotional is annoying.

At one point - it was almost absentmindedly - I took one of my keys and started digging it into my skin because I needed something to distract me from how angry I was.  Which I know is super unhealthy and I should not do that because it is self-harming even if it isn't permanent or really all that bad.  But it was the only way I could not explode at some points.  So that is what I did.

Plus, we went over about 15-20 minutes, so that was awesome also. 

Bah. 

Needless to say, I did not talk very much today.

So I did not read the book I was supposed to read to for today.  On top of that, I still have the lesson plan for tomorrow's workshop to figure out (as of right now I have no idea even what topic I want to go through), and I have two or three articles to read for judicial.  Really, I should probably be panicking, but I just do not care.  Especially about the book for today, since it is IR, with the prof who is super narrow-minded.  I picked it up and looked at it, saying to myself, "well I'll probably read it wrong anyway."  Or maybe that was just an excuse to tell myself, because I didn't care enough to read it.

Instead I spent last night watching South Park and playing Diablo and trying to not think about things that I said in my session and everything.  Oh, and I forced myself to eat despite it feeling like I was swallowing shards of broken glass. I told Nancy and my parents that I would go to health services but I didn't want to and I missed the walk-in hours so whatever.  It isn't really all that important.

I have so many things I need to do and absolutely no motivation or energy to do any of them.  And I just do not want to go to class at all.  Like, I wish I felt worse so that I had a reasonable excuse to skip it.  It is just going to be another three hours of suckage and listening to someone say that we're pretty much all really dumb because we didn't read "between the lines" or whatnot.  (I did at least read the articles so woo.)

Maybe I'll skim through as much of it now as I can.  Even though I don't want to and really don't see the point in doing so.

Man, I really need to make an appointment with my doctor, because it might be a good idea to up my meds dosage.

"It amazes me how much you care for other people while caring so little about yourself."

This was said to me when I expressed how I just did not care about the idea of going to the hospital or worse if I kept not eating properly.  Because it legitimately does not scare me.  Because I really just don't find enough reason to be bothered.

Sitting in the computer lab and trying to read stuff even though I do not want to at all.  And writing this on one of the computers in here since I decided not to bring my laptop with me, thinking that maybe I could get more done if I didn't.  So far, it was working.  Brought Callie and roommate had brought Murray but Murray kept barking and having accidents so he left to bring him back home.  Callie is really quiet most of the time, so I can bring her with me at any time and she'll just lay or chew on an antler or something and behave.  Sometimes she'll whine a bit, but she gets over it pretty fast.  I think she likes coming with me to school, even if I have work I need to do, more than being home all by herself.

 The lump in my throat seemed to have been gone but it actually is still around, and it is really really annoying.


I'm kind of tired, but there is nothing new there, really. 

And I keep thinking about friend-guy and ex and things and I don't want to be.  Even though I don't feel much in way of emotional responses, it is really just kind of distracting at the very least.

Ex is the one I really don't want to be thinking about, but I guess with Valentine's Day and breakup-versary coming up, I shouldn't be all that surprised.

And then when roommate keeps asking me how I'm doing, I'll just keep responding with "eh," and move on to talking about other things.  Because that is how I am.

I should get back to reading.

First off, today's class was like three hours of pure torture.  Oh my god was it painful and I hope it is never that bad again.  I just started doodling, and according to one of the roommates, there was a moment before I decided to draw that I appeared as though I was trying, and then I just said "fuck it" and did my own shit.  He said he clearly saw the exact moment when that happened and I thought that was funny.


So I finally went out with former friend-guy to dinner; we just went to panera bread and I got grilled cheese and an apple.  Though I am finding it difficult to swallow anything, since I still feel as though there is this lump stuck in my throat and it is really annoying.  If it isn't gone by tomorrow morning I may need to go to health services or something.  Even though I don't want to because I won't get my normal doctor probably and booooo.

Anyway, most of the meal was made up of small talk; we just kind of chatted about random things...or rather, he chatted and I listened.  Which I was more than okay with, since I wasn't in a huge talking mood, and I could tell that he was nervously rambling (which I do a lot too so I understood).

When he was driving me back to my place, we started talking about serious things and he again apologized many times.  He said that he hates that he contributed to my feeling sad and stuff, and especially hates that he has to lump himself with my ex due to what happened.  He reiterated that he feels guilty about this, and would give anything to go back in time and redo it all, since I am his closest friend here.

He really wants to do something to make it up to me, somehow, despite knowing that that is impossible.  And really, I can't think of anything myself.  There is nothing, really.  Nothing right now, anyway.  Maybe in time, sure.

He is afraid that I will get stuck in this emotionless state of self-loathing, and I kind of just shrugged.  Really.  I wanted to promise him that everything would be okay and that I wouldn't fall into that pattern, but I just nodded and said I would at least try.  The feeling of not caring about pretty much anything has consumed me, and he said that that is frightening to him, because there is a next step after this, and it is scarier.

Again, I said I would try.

I did tell him that I wasn't sure exactly where I stood on him, because I guess the capacity to be angry really isn't there right now (well...I tried to get this concept across)...plus I just miss my interactions with him.

So I don't know what is going to happen.


I also talked a bit with my roommate when I got back, though I only hinted at a few things before diverting the conversation to other stuff, because I really did kind of...not want to talk about it, I realized.  But I guess it was obvious how I was feeling, actually.  Maybe my mask is slipping.

Morning class got cancelled, which is really nice.

Especially since last night I woke up at around...3:30 in the morning with a weird sensation that I have never ever felt before.  My chest was really tight and my throat was burning and felt as though there was something stuck in it.  I kept thinking that if I could make myself burp or vomit that it would solve the problem but the first didn't work and I couldn't force the second.

Part of me immediately said that I was having a heart attack, but then I quickly realized how stupid that thought was.

But still, it was weird.

I feel like I should say scary, but even when I was all "heart attack," I was very calm and very...detached.  It really was more annoying than scary because I couldn't fall back asleep for a while.

And I was hoping that the feeling would go away when I woke up.  It unfortunately has not.  It has lessened, but only a tiny bit.  I probably should go to health services for their walk-in hours but at the same time, I don't want to make a big deal about it yet (and I'd want to see my regular doctor that I see for my medication but I really would need to make an appointment with him).  It is just new and weird.


Video blog should be up in the next few days because youtube takes a thousand years to upload things.

I spent today doing a whole lot of nothing because I had zero motivation to do anything other than sit around on my ass and play Diablo with roommate and watch South Park and sit outside in the snow with the pups for a while.  I did read two chapters in a book for judicial, but I've already read this particular book before for my American seminar last year so it really isn't that big of a deal.

...

Part of me wants to do a video blog soon.  Maybe tonight.  I don't know.

My stomach is churning.

Cookies

Cookies my roommate made help me feel a bit better.

When I was in high school, I had a year or two where I had bright red streaks in my hair.  They would fade to a copper colour, and it looked pretty sweet.  Really, I liked the red, but my mom really didn't and thought it was unprofessional and everything.  So I kind of stopped doing it.

But part of me wants to get red highlights again.  Professionally done at a salon this time, rather than doing it at home.  I think it would look pretty sweet and stuff.

I'm just thinking about making a change or some sort.  Maybe making some changes physically would be good for me...I don't know.  This kind of goes along with the tattoo I still would like to get but have not tried for or anything.

Constantly I have these ideas in my head of what I would like to do, but I never follow up on them because I'm a lame ass loser.


Also, I stupidly found ex's photobucket because I am an idiot who does idiotic things and it has made me sad.  And then I started thinking about friend-guy and how I still really am disappointed with that whole saga and with the response I got from my professor yesterday I'm very much in a self-loathing mood.

I want to run away.

So I got my first response paper back and I am so unbelievably angry about the comments I received.  

I'm not allowed to criticize people because they are god's gift to this earth and I am a measly graduate student and what do I know about this stuff?  Psh, it isn't like political science and all areas of academics are built on critiquing the views of others.  Nope.  Not at all. 

Also apparently "hegemons" is no longer a word that makes any sense.  

And of course, if my interpretation of a book is different from the professor's (who is only like...3 years out of grad school herself), then my reading of it is completely wrong.  There is no debate about this fact.  None whatsoever.  Even if when someone quoted another author who quoted that book directly word-for-word, she said that he was misinterpreting him. 

So yeah.  Anyone who disagrees with her understanding is completely wrong.  Even if the entire class read it differently than she did. 

Yeah.  

I'm so fucking thrilled to have a professor like this.  Where instead of acknowledging that other points of view can have their merits, and allow an open discussion about them, like other profs have done, she shuts down any conversation with accusations that none of us read the book correctly.  Even if we were fucking quoting it word for word. 

I'm really fucking angry about this.  I really really am. 

I'm really lethargic today.  And feeling listless and kind of sad and all that great stuff.  Bah.

Today would be a great day to go to concert, but I feel like there is this weight on me that is kind of dragging me everywhere and kind of anchoring me here for now.

Even though I should go do something.

Maybe I take the pups to the park or something.

I think I am starting to find a topic for my possible dissertation and that is kind of a big deal and it is in an area that I wasn't really expecting to do when I first started.  While it still involves Congress - which I was always interested in - it also heavily involves foreign policy and that is not something I ever thought I would touch.  So I've been running around to some IR folks and talking about things and the project is getting bigger and bigger and more and more difficult while also becoming more interesting.  I might need to create my own measure, and build a huge fucking dataset and stuff.  A possible chapter should be my comps presentation, and I might try to work on it a little this semester before I give a workshop presentation in IR.  (I signed up for both an IR and an American/Comparative one for this semester because I have no idea why.)

The guest speaker today was really interesting and I was told I asked the best question and that actually felt really good.

Guy and I haven't been talking really, but we are planning on getting lunch or dinner or something soon and having a talk about things and stuff.  I do miss hanging out with him a lot, and I know I can't keep avoiding him since I am his TA and he will be here for the next few years.  And I just...do miss him being around and telling me silly things.  Today he showed me that he got Pam Poovey's sexual harassment dolphin puppet and was going to give it to me, but I said that he did not have to or anything.  It was funny to see and everything though.  The little things.


While I would like to attend the World/Inferno concert tomorrow in the city, right now my chances of going are actually kind of low.  I haven't been in the mood to travel really anywhere, and I don't have the energy to get everything together and all.  Really, I know I should.  Roommate was saying I should because I should "get out of the house" and stuff.  He did kind of force me to go to the bar with the department...luckily not many people were there and I didn't have to stay for long.  The sad thing, really, is that I didn't feel better afterward, like I think we were both hoping.  I just felt indifferent about socializing and stuff, despite having good conversation with people and not being pressured into having a beer and stuff.  Etc., etc.

So I do know that a concert would do wonders for me, really.  Surrounded by fellow fans in a crowd, enjoying music I love from a band I adore...it would probably be really nice.  And it being in the citykind of guarantees that it is going to be fantastic.  But I also know that it is supposed to snow like crazy on Sunday and I don't know if I want to travel in that.  Plus...just tired, and I'm not sure if I want to travel at all tomorrow.

Bah.  I do want to see them though.  Why couldn't they be playing closer.  Sob.

So my first workshop today went well...I think.  I like to think so but I know sometimes math is weird for people and I just assume some concepts are easy when they might not be and everything.  But I went through a few theorems (no proofs, though one asked for them...but I spared everyone else) and examples and stuff and I really do hope that it was at least somewhat helpful and all.

Friend-guy and I made tentative plans to get lunch and talk about stuff this weekend sometime.  I'm not exactly sure when it will happen, but I want it to.  I have no idea what will come out of it, but it doesn't seem like a terrible idea that I am regretfully carrying out or even an idea that I feel some weird need to justify to myself.

...I have had a charley horse practically all day and I want it to leave me alone.

...Not many serious things were on my mind today.  Probably because I was so busy.

I'm having a few feels about this comic.

None of them are good.

Also I think the fact that I find it somewhat romantic and beautiful and happy, despite the author's tag saying otherwise, makes me wonder a few too many things about myself and how fucked up my mentality is.


Finished the assignment for the first years in LaTeX which is cool.  Maybe I'll keep trying to write those in there so I can get a feel for it again.


Speaking of screwed up mentalities...it probably isn't a good thing that I like the feel of the bones in my shoulder and wish they were sticking out more.

...What.

For some reason, I find myself thinking about the ex a little more than I have been lately right now.  

I'm really not sure why. 

My roommate is apparently on a date of some sort and while I am happy that he is getting back out there, I cannot help but feel incredibly jealous of him.  It has been only a little over a month for him, and he's already back out there.  Two years go by for me, and the one real chance I had at something new ended up blowing up in my face.  To be fair, that was not my first date since the ex and I split, but still...it took me a lot longer to even think about doing something like that.  

So yes, I am jealous of him, really.  

Plus my disconnection with everyone and everything really has made me just shut down and not want to talk to anyone or do anything and it feels really lonely sometimes.  But at the same time, I feel even worse when I do try to hang out with people, because of how distant and isolated I feel.  

I wonder if I'll just end up a hermit.  

...

Bad thoughts again.  I really do think too much that it really would just be so much better if I wasn't around.

...

How did I get in this mindframe. 

...Good news though: got a new battery for my laptop.  And it is 9 cell.  Woo. 

Oh shit writing the first years' first homework assignment from me and I'm writing it in LaTeX and it kind of feels good to (sort of) know how to do this stuff again.

I'm trying to remember and it is slowly coming back to me.  Wheeeee.

Snow

We have about two feet of snow and apparently the governor just declared a state of emergency for New York.  The snow is still coming down, and Binghamton decided that classes are cancelled only until 1:10.  Then they resume.

My class starts at 1:10.

And my professor is still having it, despite a few people emailing her and telling her that it is still dangerous as hell outside.

I am so disappointed and bah I wanted to have no class and have a snow day where I just lay in bed and watch movies and occasionally run outside to wrestle with my doggie in the snow (which I already did once today and it was way too fun and again made me actually feel happier and stuff because she is adorable and the best ever).

But noooooo.

Poop.

This morning during my office hours I wrote out the lesson plan for my workshop on Thursday; around 10 pages of matrix algebra stuff.  I got kind of into it in a "holy hell I missed math" sort of way, so I didn't even notice the time go by and everything while I was doing it.

My session went well, though I think I am concerning Nancy with my increased isolationism and emotional distance from everyone.  And how I just seemed to have stopped caring about everything and everyone with the exception, really, of Callie.  How eating has become a chore again and how I just don't care about doing it even though I intellectually know that it would be good for me to do.

This morning, for example: I told myself I should have something to eat.  Specifically, toast.  But people did not put shit away and so there were bags of chips and other stuff in front of the toaster and I just stared at them for a little bit.  I stared at them and then decided against having toast, because moving that stuff just seemed like way too much effort and I just did not care enough about eating something to do that.  So instead, I watched Callie eat.

Ironically, though, later on for dinner I made chicken and stuffing and rice for me and two of my roommates.  Though this was after I was able to talk with Nancy and play some D3 and everything.

So, essentially, I did only eat one meal today and I don't really care.

...I'm too unfocused to continue this really right now.

Though I will say this quickly: we are supposed to have a fuck ton of snow tomorrow and so rumour is going around that we might have a snow day.  Please.

Another day of throwing myself into my work.

After going through my response paper with roommate, I realized I had to revamp my argument and everything.  I feel bad, because since he was attacking my stuff I got kind of defensive and hostile, and that was more because I just really did not want to redo it, but...yeah, I do see all of his points.  And only being given two double-spaced pages with 1 inch margins and size 11 font...I can't really go into a lot of details or a lot of points.

So spent some time doing that, and I was also able to finish my readings for Thursday.  I wasn't able to write out my lesson plan though, so I'll try and do that during my office hours tomorrow.


I don't feel close to anyone right now.  Not even roommates, really.  I guess I feel closest to them, but still not close.  That probably comes from what happened last week with friend and I'm pretty sure I have shut down, because the last few days I've felt this almost...exhilarating emotionlessness.  Pouring myself into work has made me not interested in tackling my own issues with myself or talking it out with friends or anything like that.  And I've become less interested in eating at regular times and eating regular meals and instead have nothing all day and then gorge on stuff when I get home, etc., etc.  

It is an empty feeling, really, one that still does not completely purge the self-doubt and sadness from me, but it is better than wallowing and being super sad and unproductive, I suppose.

Really, my roommate has been asking me how I've been and if I want to talk and I just...do not want to.  And it isn't about him.  I don't really want to talk about it with anyone.  Except, ironically, the one person I should not be talking to about it?  Though I did re-open a discussion with him because...well he is extremely apologetic, and I am a huge sucker.  You'd think I would have learned from my experiences with the ex.

But no, closeness is a drug to me, so I latch onto it until it almost kills me.

Once again, I threw myself into my work today and was incredibly productive.  Way more than I ought to be when I am feeling as shitty as I am, really.  But the whole "keeping a list of things to do in a planner" has been working so far, despite that it has only been...what, two days?  Still, it is a good sign that I am already almost finished with Thursday's readings and wrote up my response for Wednesday's class and everything.  Tomorrow on the agenda is to finish Thursday's readings and write up a lesson plan for my workshop with the first years this week.

Matrix Algebra.  Woo!  Should be interesting.

I paid way more attention to the puppy bowl than the superbowl and I am okay with this.  Because the puppy bowl is just so much cuter and better.

No one came over though.  While I was fine with that, I could tell roommate was disappointed.  Sadly for him, I'm not the best company when it comes to football games, even when I'm feeling okay.  So feeling terrible and just wanting to work all day basically made me the worst to be around probably.  I was trying to not act like I felt as terrible as I did and still do, but in doing so I had to keep my mind distracted.  So I wasn't very talkative or anything.


Former friend-guy sent me a message saying that he still feels terrible and that he keeps trying to think of ways to make things up to me (while also knowing that is impossible).  He offered to cook for me, since he knows about my food issues and I will not lie and say that I've been good about eating within the last few days.  He also mentioned how he hasn't slept properly in days and that he is sorry again, and that he really wants to make things right.

I haven't responded because I do not know how to.  I don't want him to cook for me or anything like that.  When we would get together to cook and nom it was fun in that we were hanging out and eating became not...well, a chore.  He is right; he can't make this up to me.  Even if I were to say "alright, this are better again," I wouldn't trust him again, really.  He should know the extent of what he did, since I specifically mentioned to him that it paralleled what the ex did.

It is unfortunate, though, that I do miss hanging out with him already.  Meh.

In writing down notes for the response paper I wish to do today, I claimed this:


"Hegemonic states can get away with breaking the rules of society - how many times has America done some shit that the international community has condemned her for and the president's response was "well fuck you I'm doing it anyway because 'Murrica?""


I really wish it was acceptable to put that exact terminology into academic papers.  They would be way more fun to read if that were the case.


Didn't sleep very well last night...took me forever to actually fall asleep in the first place.

I really would like to bang out this paper relatively quickly, but I'm still not entirely sure the direction I want to take it.

...I should eat something.

Today I kind of threw myself into reading because I really did not want to think about things.  I knew that if I started really thinking about stuff for a while I would not be able to finish what I wanted to complete.  So I just kind of...read all day.  Got through a little over 300 pages of reading while taking notes, and took the doggies to the park, cleaned a little, took a shower, ran to Target, cleaned up my computer some by uninstalling various programs and updating my drivers...so yeah.  I was actually productive today.  Which meant I was able to run and hide from my own mental demons and problems.

I did buy a planner while out shopping, as I think that having things written down, rather than just on my phone/google calendar, will help me get things finished.  If I plan out exactly when I would like to have the readings for certain classes done, and when I want papers to be completed by, and when I should write lesson plans, etc., etc., then maybe I'll be able to pencil in more time for my own projects (as I currently have three that I am unfortunately stalling on due to lack of time).  Of course, also, maybe doing this might actually also give me more free time; if I am organized and everything, maybe I can get things done a lot faster and devote a day a week to not doing anything either all day or after a certain time.

Though I say this all now...it might not last.  Really, I would like to keep it up, but mental exhaustion and all that happens.  We will see.  Maybe it will work.  Maybe it will just work for a little bit.  But I am going to try this to see if it helps at all at the very least.

We're having people tomorrow over for superbowl and puppy bowl and I am seriously only interested in the latter because the former is overrated and despite how many times I tried to get into football, I seriously just do not care.  I'll probably be doing work.

My roommate did ask me if I could try to have fun tomorrow, since I once again did not want to talk when he asked me how I was doing.  I did tell him that I was trying to not think about it, and was trying to just immerse myself in other things.  ...I said this as I was furiously scrubbing the stovetop and counters because of reasons.


I hate seeing Valentine's Day stuff now.  Which sucks because I actually was kind of not hating on it so much this year.  I had even found this cute kitten bouquet that I thought would be cute to give former friend-guy because he loves cats and cute things and dhsjhdskaj.  I'm just glad I hadn't ordered it before.

This time of year always sucks.

Defriended from facebook because I really can't stand seeing anything being posted.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for me to deactivate facebook for a while, but I know that I would not last for very long doing that.

I'm still incredibly sad and kind of keep walking around almost in a daze.  I think it is still shock over what happened; it is kind of similar with how I felt for the first week or two after the ex dumped me.  Where I keep thinking that things will be okay and that this really isn't the betrayal that it obviously is.

And my roommate keeps asking if I am okay and I am so shut down that even talking to him about this stuff just seems like so much effort and I don't want to do it.

I know I promised that I would take care of myself and that I wouldn't shut down, but I don't see why I should take care of myself, since I apparently have a horrid judge of character and everyone is going to leave anyway, probably because something is wrong with me.  And shutting down is just kind of...happening, I suppose.  Really, I just want to lay in bed and watch television all day and do nothing.  But I have a response paper that I stupidly signed up to do for this week, so I'd like to get my readings all done and everything.

Maybe I'll take Callie to the park today.  Maybe by taking care of her I can pretend I'm taking care of myself.