Alright, so now that I am not watching Prince of Egypt and therefore distracted, I can get more thoughts down and everything.

I keep getting a fuck ton of messages on okcupid and so far no creepers, but at the same time it is becoming kind of overwhelming.  Honestly I did not think that I would get as many as I have been, and it is from a lot of different people and everything and while I'm having good conversations I also am wondering if they would all just be okay with being friends, because that is honestly all I am looking for at the moment.  I mean, I put that in my profile, but people can sometimes skip over that part, I imagine.

It is nice to talk to other people, but again, I'm starting to already become drained.  Even meeting new people online takes a lot from me, so to have more messages than I thought I would have at the moment and feeling the need to respond to every single one is kind of a lot.  Maybe I'll take it a bit slower or something.


Anyway, I kind of want to go through some thoughts about last night's conversation with the roommate.

It was nice, very nice, but at the same time I did not really feel much from it.  Not as much as I should have, anyway.  I enjoyed the conversation and I am happy (as much as I can be, I suppose) that it happened, but the fact that I was not completely moved by it and sometimes just felt awkward and everything is weird.  I was explaining my emotionlessness to roommate so hopefully if I ever explained this to him he would understand.  I asked him to not take things personally if I ever get like this or ever don't want to talk or want to be left alone or anything like that, and I guess this sort of lack of emotions fits into that whole thing.

When we were talking about our exes, I started becoming slightly worried and nostalgic.  Yes, we talked about bad times, but I also started remembering good times and exactly how much I loved the ex, and how much he meant to me.  That even though he started dragging me down and everything, all I ever wanted to do was help him.  That my connection with him has dwarfed (by a long shot) any other connection that I have ever had with another human being.  And that that connection made me want everything with him, even when things were not perfect.  Despite him being imperfect, he was perfect to me.

And I thought about that, and thought about it for a moment, then saying that despite me being (supposedly) perfect, I was imperfect to him.

He constantly claimed I was perfect and did nothing wrong, and yet what happened happened and I could not alter the path that he put us on, no matter how much I wanted to.  And still, to this day, I do not understand why.

I recalled how hurt I was when I found out he was fooling around with other people within the month of leaving me.  I remembered how I could not breathe and how I sobbed hysterically and screamed and felt betrayed because all he ever told me was how perfect I was and how much he had loved me, even after he left.  How I was his favourite, and that I was irreplaceable.

And I became a bit sad.  Because I cannot imagine having that deep intense connection again.  And those emotions I felt with him seem absolutely impossible to even imagine right now.

...I sincerely do think that I will not have that again.