I really really hate these professionalism discussions, despite knowing how important they are.

They just discourage me and make me very sad; some of it is very pessimistic and it is very "you are only allowed to work and you must conform to what others want and you can't really do so much else and this isn't the time to find yourself and you need to network and you need to just bang out manuscripts but should only be in your field and etc., etc."

And I just get very scared because there are many days where getting out of bed is too much work for me.  Where my mood and my bad thoughts kind of immobilize me and prevent me from doing anything.  Plus, I want to be able to express myself...I know that is kind of counterproductive to getting a job or whatever anywhere but I still want to.

Then of course I wonder if I can actually do everything that is expected of me, despite people thinking that I am smart and write well and do good work...I just start thinking that this is going to be fruitless and I'm going to disappoint everyone around me and myself.  Which brings on my questions about what can I do, because I have no goddamn skills outside of academics (and even in there they are questionable).

And then when I realize just how fucking useless I am, those terrible thoughts telling me to just do the thing that I constantly think about get loud as hell.  To a point where I start looking for places and start staring at things kind of longer than I should, and everything.

But then I think about Callie and my parents and I hesitate.  Even though they deserve someone who doesn't suck as much as I feel like I do.