"What are your preferences?  Do you want a good grade, or do you want to make your argument?"

The fact that this was seriously asked to me is infuriating.  The fact that I was asked to change/censor my argument (or its tone, whatever) not because it isn't good (because I was told that it was good) but because my professor "will not like it," is fucking horrible and I hate this.

I should not have to make that choice.

When I said I wanted both, because those things, especially in a goddamn graduate fucking program, should not be mutually exclusive, I was told that I might have to choose...I almost lost my shit.  Really, I did.  I should not have to change a good argument to one that I don't really like as much just because my prof is not going to agree with it.  I don't know how many fucking things I have written that I received As on with comments like "I don't think you give [author] enough credit" or "I personally disagree but you made your point well."  Why is that not good enough for this professor, and why the shit should I have to change things just because she sucks?

And yeah, maybe I'm not being very adaptable (actually, I know I'm not), but this is like...academic integrity stuff right now and I take this kind of shit seriously.  Usually, I am not willing to sacrifice grades, but in this case, I very well might be.  I'll be pissed, but fuck, if my argument is good I should not need to change anything!

Plus, if I have a 4.0 and all of a sudden don't do well in this one class, I think that will say more about her than me to everyone else.

I was angry and mentioned that I know that if I go to someone else and talk to them about this, I know that I am going to stand alone.  Roommate gave me a look and asked me what I meant about that, and I didn't really clarify.  I did mean what I said though.  Despite that I am not the only one who has complained about her (though admittedly I have been the most vocal about it), I know that if I said that I was going to go talk to someone and see what could be done or what I can do about it, no one would back me up.  No one would say, "oh Allison I'll go with you too because this shit is terrible."  No one would risk their reputation because people are all self-interested and everything and why would anyone risk that when they could free-ride on me if I am successful?  I mean, I was the one last year to talk to my game theory professor about splitting the six hour sessions we were having into two blocs due to our fatigue and frustration with classes that long.  Despite that everyone was complaining about it.  I was the one to do it.  Alone.  If I go to someone about this I know it will be the exact same shit because friends don't back each other up when it comes to school and grades I guess.

Man, I really am cynical.

But if this is the shit I'm going to have to deal with more often than not, I don't know if I want to be in academia.  Which sucks, because I know I do want to be in academia.  Just maybe not the research part anymore.  Even though I like doing my own research.  So I do want to do that.  I just don't want to have to put up with this.

And perhaps I should take this as an exercise in "dealing with someone you don't like," but this is far beyond me just not liking this prof's personality.  It is, again, an academic integrity thing.  This sort of crap threatens to stunt my growth as an academic.

I'm really upset right now.