First off, today's class was like three hours of pure torture.  Oh my god was it painful and I hope it is never that bad again.  I just started doodling, and according to one of the roommates, there was a moment before I decided to draw that I appeared as though I was trying, and then I just said "fuck it" and did my own shit.  He said he clearly saw the exact moment when that happened and I thought that was funny.


So I finally went out with former friend-guy to dinner; we just went to panera bread and I got grilled cheese and an apple.  Though I am finding it difficult to swallow anything, since I still feel as though there is this lump stuck in my throat and it is really annoying.  If it isn't gone by tomorrow morning I may need to go to health services or something.  Even though I don't want to because I won't get my normal doctor probably and booooo.

Anyway, most of the meal was made up of small talk; we just kind of chatted about random things...or rather, he chatted and I listened.  Which I was more than okay with, since I wasn't in a huge talking mood, and I could tell that he was nervously rambling (which I do a lot too so I understood).

When he was driving me back to my place, we started talking about serious things and he again apologized many times.  He said that he hates that he contributed to my feeling sad and stuff, and especially hates that he has to lump himself with my ex due to what happened.  He reiterated that he feels guilty about this, and would give anything to go back in time and redo it all, since I am his closest friend here.

He really wants to do something to make it up to me, somehow, despite knowing that that is impossible.  And really, I can't think of anything myself.  There is nothing, really.  Nothing right now, anyway.  Maybe in time, sure.

He is afraid that I will get stuck in this emotionless state of self-loathing, and I kind of just shrugged.  Really.  I wanted to promise him that everything would be okay and that I wouldn't fall into that pattern, but I just nodded and said I would at least try.  The feeling of not caring about pretty much anything has consumed me, and he said that that is frightening to him, because there is a next step after this, and it is scarier.

Again, I said I would try.

I did tell him that I wasn't sure exactly where I stood on him, because I guess the capacity to be angry really isn't there right now (well...I tried to get this concept across)...plus I just miss my interactions with him.

So I don't know what is going to happen.


I also talked a bit with my roommate when I got back, though I only hinted at a few things before diverting the conversation to other stuff, because I really did kind of...not want to talk about it, I realized.  But I guess it was obvious how I was feeling, actually.  Maybe my mask is slipping.