I don't know why but new roommate just saying "I don't want to sound like an old person but can you not get the pups riled up at this hour; I need to get up in four hours" to me because I was playing with Murray kind of annoyed me?  Like I didn't respond for a second because it rubbed me the wrong way despite it being perfectly reasonable and everything and I just kind of was like "...okay."

Maybe it is because I've been slightly annoyed in general at her because right now the kitchen is a disaster and it is I wanna say 90% her mess and I'm like why won't you just fucking clean it.  Like, she keeps dishes in the sink for fucking days/weeks and they just pile up and I'm sick of having to work around them and I'm like why doesn't this bother you.  And I refuse to do them myself because I'm over doing other people's shit for them.

And I shouldn't have to say anything to you for you to do them.

But I have a feeling I'm going to have to.

Like, I love her, I do, but she's been aggravating me lately?  Between this and my sometimes feeling like she doesn't give a shit about things I'm saying just makes me feel weird and sad and annoyed.

And it doesn't help that I don't have Callie with me to help ease tension this week, since I let her chill with my parents so I could get shit done.  (Even though I didn't write today like I wanted to.  Blergh.)

I kind of want to go on a road trip, but I don't have the money to do so.  I told myself that if by the end of my lease I still have enough miles to do one, then I would, but that will require I save money and all that fun stuff.

Today I started to talk a little bit about my desire to leave Binghamton to my new roommate, and how being here has made me sad.  I just kind of said that I think I've been here too long and I think I just want to go somewhere else.  But I didn't go into it much more because I'm sure she doesn't want to listen to my bullshit angst about being here and everything.

I am going to LI tomorrow, so that is good at least.

I just...I know I'm not happy here.  I've known this for years.  But I can't get out of here just yet, which sucks.

I see pictures of people from the department all going out and having a good time and I feel nothing.  Like, theoretically, I would like to hang out with them, but at the same time I am so bitter about things and avoid people so much that I don't want to hang out with them.  I want to be by myself, supposedly.  But then college roommate comes up and I realize what I'm missing.  And I haven't even spoken to best friend in a while because I fucking suck at communication and she is busy with her job and whatnot. 

The department friend I do hang out with I don't see enough, and I should change that...

I haven't even been going to the gym because I'm a lazy slob and shit.

Ugh.

Self-hate is just second nature, and without Nancy to talk to, it's been kind of hard to fight against it.

I don't know if it is because I overslept thanks to taking a nap last night and then still going to bed around midnight or what but I ended up having to call out this morning for work because I felt like I was going to simultaneously throw up and faint and I couldn't even take Callie for a walk let alone do much else.  It sucked that I had to call out, since I need the money, but I was going nowhere this morning without something bad happening.  Again, not sure entirely why but that's just what happened.  I'll go in tomorrow, hopefully.  I am feeling better right now, which is good at least.  Well...better relatively.  I still feel like shit, but I might be able to make it to agility with Callie at 6.

Still not feeling very...happy though.  Like all I want is to go home and hang out with my family.

I've slunk back into a "I don't give a shit about anything and have no emotions" type state.

Everything apart from laying in my bed and watching television just seems like a chore; it takes so much effort for me to try and do simple things again.  I've stopped going to mma (which I really need to get back to but my energy levels have been so fucking low) and I've been unable to get the inspiration to write (despite being so fucking close to being done with my fic), and even like...showering has gotten less frequent.

Maybe it is because I messed with my medication.  Probably.

Maybe it is also because I have no one to talk to this semester.

I just...this semester was supposed to be a good break to get me back into a good state of mind and I feel like it hasn't helped as much as I wanted it to: I'm worried about weight and money and other shit.
I don't want to talk to people about this stuff, and I feel like some probably wouldn't want to hear about it anyway.

Like, I should be happy.

But I'm not.  I hate where I live and I hate that I feel like I'm stagnant and I just want to run.

The bad thing also is that I want to do things in theory but my lack of funds have prevented me from doing much, as well as my own lack of energy.

I want to go home.  I was happier when I was home.

College roommate just left, sadly, after a short weekend of hanging out and watching Too Cute and doing fun stuff.  I wish she could have stayed longer, but alas, real world shit keeps us apart.

Having her here reminded me exactly how much I miss her?  Like, living with her.  I love both my roommates now but she and I were so good together and I miss just being able to hang out with her all the time and everything.

Plus I got to see a juxtaposition between my new roommate (who I do adore and have known for a while) and her in how they converse with me: I feel like college roommate is a better...listener?  Yeah, I guess that is how I would put it.  Like sometimes I wanna tell new roommate stuff and I get excited over them and yeah, she might not care as much about them but I just wanna talk about them.  But I get the feeling that she just doesn't give a shit and sometimes she won't reply or anything and/or will switch the conversation onto something completely different and I get very "...okay..." about the whole thing.  Like I don't feel like I can talk to her about anything and everything.

But college roommate is the opposite in that she's always listening and always seems interested in things I'm talking about, and it makes me...idk happier to talk to her?  And we just communicate better and stuff.

I don't know.  I've been thinking about this for a while.

I really need to get back into the habit of writing in this thing more often.

It does help, but I just lately feel uninspired to do much of anything?  I have two chapters (hopefully) left in my fanfic and all I want to do is write them and finish the damn thing but I'm having such a hard time doing anything that isn't sitting on my ass and going through tumblr for way longer than necessary.

And I've returned back into the mindframe of not wanting to eat a lot because I hate the weight I've put on and everything and I just want it to go away and that's the fastest way to make that happen.  Even though I know I shouldn't do that, deep down.  I'm constantly having battles in my head about food and whether or not I should eat this or that and then feeling guilty about things and I hate it.

Luckily, college roommate is visiting this weekend, so I can ignore all that for a few days while I'm hanging out with her.

And job has been alright; everyone is super nice to me and everything and my boss apparently loves me (she was very complimentary to me yesterday which had me all fdhskjfh and stuff because I can't take compliments because lawl I dislike myself so much).

I should have followed up with Nancy about a therapist for this semester but like...I was afraid of even the copayments (yay money issues!) and afraid of going to someone new for such a short period of time and so I just never did that, probably stupidly.

I had an ex related dream.

He came to my house despite my protests. He was with his gf and did something which set me off so I pushed him down the stairs.

There was more to it but....sleepy.

Ugh facebook why did you show me a picture of the fucking ex in that stupid timeline thing?

LIKE STOP I LOCKED ALL THOSE ALBUMS FOR A REASON.

I don't look back at pictures for a variety of reasons, so I really didn't appreciate a picture of him presented to me as if it is some fond memory I look back on.

I never get stuff like that popping up and it just happened to be today and happened to be him and ugh.