I kind of want to go on a road trip, but I don't have the money to do so.  I told myself that if by the end of my lease I still have enough miles to do one, then I would, but that will require I save money and all that fun stuff.

Today I started to talk a little bit about my desire to leave Binghamton to my new roommate, and how being here has made me sad.  I just kind of said that I think I've been here too long and I think I just want to go somewhere else.  But I didn't go into it much more because I'm sure she doesn't want to listen to my bullshit angst about being here and everything.

I am going to LI tomorrow, so that is good at least.

I just...I know I'm not happy here.  I've known this for years.  But I can't get out of here just yet, which sucks.

I see pictures of people from the department all going out and having a good time and I feel nothing.  Like, theoretically, I would like to hang out with them, but at the same time I am so bitter about things and avoid people so much that I don't want to hang out with them.  I want to be by myself, supposedly.  But then college roommate comes up and I realize what I'm missing.  And I haven't even spoken to best friend in a while because I fucking suck at communication and she is busy with her job and whatnot. 

The department friend I do hang out with I don't see enough, and I should change that...

I haven't even been going to the gym because I'm a lazy slob and shit.

Ugh.

Self-hate is just second nature, and without Nancy to talk to, it's been kind of hard to fight against it.