So when I'm feeling particularly down and stuff I usually explain my lack of productivity with "I've been feeling sick/feeling unwell," particularly to my students.

And one asked me after class this past week if I was okay, because "you seem to have been getting sick a lot."

And I just kind of stared at her and had to find the words to describe that it was a "chronic condition."

Because saying that I'm so depressed that most days I don't even leave my bed is probably not a great thing.


Also my doctor wants to meet with me more since my suicidal ideations have been resurfacing more than usual.

As usual, I told him that I try to cope with darker thoughts through humor and sarcasm, sometimes saying jokes to friends/family about it...I guess in the hopes that they'll see what is actually wrong with me.

Both he and Nancy have said that getting this degree is not worth my life.


But I tend to think my life isn't worth much, and this is all I've done for the past four years...

I'm afraid to change course again.

I'm afraid to quit.

"Whenever you talk about writing your prospectus or teaching your class, all the joy and life leaves your eyes."

"Your body is telling you how unhappy you are."

Well that meeting just basically ruined the momentum I had going.

Ha, I do love being reminded that I'm forgetful of things and that therefore I won't be able to keep a job because of it.  And that it takes multiple emails to get in contact with me because I would rather just avoid it.

I should just pull the trigger.  I can't even get these little things right and therefore won't be able to do any sort of job or be of any value to society and the only thing I can do right is play video games and sit in bed and occasionally walk my dog.


Wow this little bit of criticism should not be affecting me this much what the fuck.

Yay depression relapses.

So I'm trying to do this mind mapping thing where I list out my skills/strengths and values and enabling skills and whatnot and I'm sitting here just staring blankly because I truly believe that I have no fucking skills whatsoever.

Sure, I guess I can write and edit and occasionally do some math/stats when needed (and after I take that shit home and double check everything to make sure I did it right and even then I probably did some shit wrong because lawl I suck), but I'm supposed to have a list of like...1-2 dozen.

And I'm sure "procrastinating," "playing video games instead of doing actual work," and "hiding from problems" are not exactly skills.


Also, super frustrating: I actually did work for a few hours today but have nothing to show for it because it was all data shit and nothing actually worked so I still have absolutely nothing new for what I'm supposed to present on Wednesday in terms of my prospectus.


I keep saying that things will be "better" after I finish my PhD.  At least after the prospectus is finished.  But, as it has been brought to my attention, I never say how it will be, or why it will be.  I just keep saying that it will be better.

...I'm starting to doubt that.

Really, I'm doubting that I can find passion in anything anymore.  Except video games, at this rate.


Is it worth me being miserable to get this piece of paper?

Then again, will me jumping from this path lead to anything better?  Or is everything just going to remain shitty?

Bought Fire Emblem Fates: Conquest and put it on hard difficultly/classic mode and yet I'm wondering why I can't get past THIS GODDAMN LEVEL.

I got so close (like, to the last turn I needed to defend for) and one of my guys just ends up being A BITCH and dying.

And I hate leaving people dead.

I should just lower the difficulty but I DON'T WANT TO.