So when I'm feeling particularly down and stuff I usually explain my lack of productivity with "I've been feeling sick/feeling unwell," particularly to my students.

And one asked me after class this past week if I was okay, because "you seem to have been getting sick a lot."

And I just kind of stared at her and had to find the words to describe that it was a "chronic condition."

Because saying that I'm so depressed that most days I don't even leave my bed is probably not a great thing.


Also my doctor wants to meet with me more since my suicidal ideations have been resurfacing more than usual.

As usual, I told him that I try to cope with darker thoughts through humor and sarcasm, sometimes saying jokes to friends/family about it...I guess in the hopes that they'll see what is actually wrong with me.

Both he and Nancy have said that getting this degree is not worth my life.


But I tend to think my life isn't worth much, and this is all I've done for the past four years...

I'm afraid to change course again.

I'm afraid to quit.