Moving

So today has been...I don't know how to describe today.

Moving is always a big hassle, but I was okay for a while, mood-wise.  I was happy to be getting away from the douchebag roommate and into a place with people I love and tomorrow getting a puppers I adore and love.

There are some issues with this house right now, though, and I am aware of that.  The floors need some more cleaning, and some of the appliances are older...things like that.  The biggest thing is that there is a funky odor in the rooms with carpeting; in the basement and in Brendan's room.  Originally I thought it just needed a dehumidifier, but my dad says he thinks that the smell is in the carpet, so it is going to need to be cleaned professionally and everything.  And when I talked to the landlord, she said that she could take care of that, so it will probably be done with no charge to us and everything.  I'm hoping that will take care of it, otherwise we were thinking about negotiating for new carpets in those rooms.

Also, the windows all open sideways, so it is difficult to install window unit air conditioners.  Which I didn't realize earlier, but she said that the previous tenants had window units installed so I didn't think that it was going to be a huge problem or anything.   But it might be.  It's been proving difficult so far.

Despite all these things though, I still loved the house and stuff.

But then I was in the car with my dad when he called my mom when we got back to my apartment from the movies (we took a break to see Star Trek since he hadn't seen it yet).

Now, my mother talks very loudly on the phone.  Very very loudly.  As in, even sitting next to him I could hear everything she was saying on the other line.

And all she did was criticize.  Basically like...why didn't I notice these things?  I settled too fast, because she found a brand new place last week for cheaper.  I should have asked this.  I should have inquired about that.  And with every single criticism...that little voice in my head just got louder and louder.

You can't do anything right.

Why didn't you notice those things?  You're an idiot. 

It just wouldn't go away, and I think my dad could tell I was getting upset because he started staunchly defending me on the phone.

But I couldn't shut the voice up.  And I started crying.

I didn't want to.  I tried not to.  I really felt worse when I did.

But I just felt like I fucked up.  I couldn't even pick a good place to live.

I couldn't do anything right.

And that is all I thought.  Even with my dad telling me to stop crying (telling me but kind of begging in his tone, truthfully) and telling me that I shouldn't be too hard on myself and everything and that these specific things I wouldn't know to ask about because I've never searched for a house before and everything like that.

Still though.

I just wanted to disappear.

And then I don't know if it is good that I immediately went and took some of my meds.  Though I hadn't taken them today so I figured that it was better late than never for them.  Or something like that.

I still feel like I can't do shit right.

Ha.  I even started thinking that...maybe I shouldn't get a dog.  For her sake.  Because I'll probably just fuck her up too and everyone will hate her and it would be my fault for being a terrible trainer and a terrible owner and everything even though I want to love her and treat her right and train her properly and everything.

But I'm selfish and I want her, so...I'll try my best.