Stroopwafels

So I've been craving some stroopwafels hardcore.  I decided to buy some on amazon because this one seller apparently had imported them from the Netherlands and I could use prime for shipping, meaning I'll get them in two days and so can enjoy their deliciousness very soon.  And if I end up not liking this batch so much, I can always try a different seller or something!

I just want stroopwafels.  They're so fucking good.


My dad left earlier, because he had to take my sister to a concert she's going to and also because I do have work I need to get done.  Though I've been horribly distracted, honestly.  I just don't want to do it at all.

Although my dad made me feel a little better about my ex - since we get on that topic even though it usually involves me just saying what a douchebag he is - I know it isn't going to last, and I'll probably be sad again at some point about it, especially with the year marker coming up.  Maybe that's why it has been so prevalent on my mind lately?  Though it usually is there...I don't know.  It's weird.  Sometimes I feel like I should be grateful about this, rather than sad?  Because when I think about it and I think about how awful he was at times...I don't know why I'm still so upset.  My dad pointed out that he was just so controlling, and I even remarked that the reason I applied to UMD was because of him, even though I really didn't want to go there.  I'm glad I didn't get their acceptance until late, because I fear I might have gone there solely because of him.  Which is just wrong and fucked up on so many levels.  Trying to pigeonhole a person into a specific area they might not really want to go to is so fucked up.  But I didn't see it like that until afterward, I guess.  And even now...I don't know.  So, acknowledging things like that...why am I sad?

I think it is more the lies.  All the lies.  They continue to smack me in the face repeatedly, and even though every new one I realize is one I'm not surprised about...they still hit me in gross ways.  They still make me sick to my stomach and make me want to scream because the trust I had in someone just...was betrayed.  And because of that, I have crumbled.

I don't know what - if anything - was actually genuine anymore.  And that makes me sadder.

Especially with his situation now.

It just sickens me.

Though my dad did say he thinks the medication thing is going to be temporary and believes I'll get out of this when I'm finally able to forgive myself and everything.  I like to think that is true, and I hope it is correct, but part of me wonders.  My perfectionism and self-loathing existed before all of this, but I guess I was able to handle it better and hide it more easily, or something.


I texted guy about stroopwafels, and although it is difficult to interpret moods from text messages sometimes, I still got a vibe that he was feeling down.  But I didn't ask because we haven't really talked after our serious conversation, and I didn't want to creep him out or anything.  I hope we can hang out soon, and maybe have an actual face-to-face conversation about things, but at the same time...I'm bad at initiating those things, and I always make them really awkward.  I'm just a huge dork, really, aha.


How the fuck did I start talking about serious things I sincerely originally just wanted this post to be about my stroopwafels.  Which I'm still excited as all hell to get.