Namibia is proving to be quite the pain in the ass to code.  I only got through 2005 today, with 23 coded protests, which is more than any I have encountered so far in one year.  And I looked ahead at 2006 and it looks like that pattern is going to continue.  I could always just ask my professor about handing it off to someone else, as I believe I might be pretty much out of hours in terms of work on this project.  But I also said I would try to finish it as best I could.

Then again, every day coding is another day I am not doing my own stuff, which is what I really want and need to do at this point.


I've felt weird the past few days.  Maybe my skipping days of medication during cruise and Otakon have set me back in terms of stuff.  And all this talk about depression and suicide in the news (RIP Robin Williams) has me in this weird funk, despite knowing how important it is for those things to be discussed.  I'm back to not really wanting to do anything, though I force myself to do work.  The seemingly neverending coding does not help my mood whatsoever, since it is not at all what I would like to actually be working on right now.  But even my actual work probably would not satisfy me.

Being home with my parents does help alleviate some of these feelings (/lack thereof) at least.  Both of them always say that they miss having me home and that I could stay home as long as I wanted/needed.  Sometimes I can't understand why, because I feel like I just sit around working or watching television and not doing anything constructive.  But that is my own brain talking about myself and going back to those thoughts of worthlessness that pop up.  It is unfortunate that they have not really gone away; they have been fended off for a while due to distractions in the form of vacations and A Song of Ice and Fire and things, but as the school year creeps closer, they return again.  Yelling at me for not doing enough work, which of course makes me want to work even less than I am.  And then my weight gain, which should be seen as a positive, as I was getting dangerously underweight for a while.  But rather than being happy about that, I need to battle against this inner voice telling me that I need to stop eating or I need to exercise way more than I am.  Despite that my parents told me that they could tell I have been working out (especially in my arms apparently), I never see my results in the same fashion.  It is never good enough, really.  No matter what I do.

And those seemingly antithetical emotions of being both incredibly lonely and wanting nothing more than to be left alone have resurfaced.  Really, it would be more accurate to say they seem to have strengthened again, whereas for a little bit they were more subdued (and the 'wanting to be left alone' side was a bit stronger, making it easy to just run away to books and work).  Then I get sad, and thoughts of the ex and the past pour into the forefront of my mind.  Dreams still happen more than I would like, and my brain is fond of making up bizarre future scenarios between us that would never actually happen.  And my imagined response to his presence constantly changes depending on my mood and how low my self-esteem is that day.

I do like that he seems to be fading somewhat, but I do not like when I have relapses in this way.  After having two weeks where I did not think about him or things as much as usual (with exceptions for some days), it is frustrating to return to this whole 'well, what if this were to happen' state of mind.

And I hate the lonely feeling, and I blame it on being with my sister and her husband and my friend and her boyfriend over the weekend.  Plus, it was at Ota, so of course I thought of 2011 Ota briefly before telling myself to stop and heading to artist alley to look at pretty pictures.  At least I have been able to fight off those lonely feelings more often with realistic thoughts: it would not make sense for me to have any sort of relationship right now given what I am doing; I have so little energy to expend for myself as it is, why would I want to spend it on someone else; having to worry so much about someone else will just cause me extra stress; etc.

But then there are times at night or during the day if and when I am sad and I just want to cuddle with someone, as corny as that fucking sounds.  I hate admitting that, really.  It sounds like weakness to me.  Luckily, there is always Callie to cuddle with, and at this rate I trust her more than any human with the exception of a select individuals (of which she is then on an equal playing field).

I've just had a lot of thoughts recently.