Well, Christmas came and went and it honestly didn't feel any different from any other day.  That warm feeling I would always get at this time of year seems to have vanished this time around.  Maybe it is because only a few days ago I was doing a ton of work and it felt like there was no end in sight.  Or maybe that is just how I am now.

But I did get some cool things and hanging with fam is always fun.  Legitimately I feel like I enjoy reactions to the gifts I give the best.  I don't know, it just makes me feel good.  Maybe because I made someone happy or something like that, which makes me think that maybe I'm not so bad.

Today was nice and lazy, though.  Just hung around and watched a bunch of shows with people.  Finally started Breaking Bad, which is excellent so far.

At dinner, though, I got into a conversation with my parents, mainly, about my future.  And not in the "what are you gonna do with your life" sort of thing.  It was more...well it started when I complained about people bringing their kids/significant others to the reunion lunch this Saturday (well...more kids, honestly).  When my mom remarked that it isn't a bad thing that I'm single and that everyone is just going to be catching up with their lives, I kind of blurted out that I just didn't want to have to pretend that I was happy when I'm actually miserable most of the time with what I am doing and where I am in my life right now.  My mom then asked me why I am doing what I'm doing if I am so unhappy.  But the way she asked it didn't really seem...accusatory.  It is weird to describe it.

I kept saying that I didn't know what I really wanted to do anymore, but that I needed the degree.  Which I feel I do; the PhD gives more freedom than just a master's, in terms of being able to explore a whole load of options and everything.  So, I'm going to try and just focus on that prize.  Which is admittedly difficult when I have so many people talking about job markets and what comes after and all that stuff.

It was just a...conversation that I know I need to have with more people even though it makes me somewhat uncomfortable.

And just hearing my mom repeat over and over that she wants me to do something that would make me happy was just...I don't know.  It made me sad.  I know she knows I'm just unhappy and sad most of the time; I can tell even the way she interacts with me versus my sisters.

I just have no idea what to tell her, because I don't know what would make me happy anymore.


Bah, I shouldn't be thinking sad things like this.  It be Christmas!

I hope everyone's day was awesomesauce.