I've been having bad dreams the past few days.

Last night's involved the murder of my super bright and super optimistic cousin, who is far more worthy of life than I ever will be, and the details surrounding her funeral and me making some comments that people apparently thought offensive (I think I said the person I first thought of when I heard the news was my sister, since she and my cousin are so close, and for some reason people really didn't like that) which made everyone angry with me and kind of gave me no one to grieve with.  Not that I was able to even figure out how to do that...I kind of stayed in an emotionless state.  Well...maybe emotionless isn't the right word.  More like I appeared that way because I couldn't figure out the best way to outwardly process anything.

Unfortunately, this is the second night in a row I've had dreams of death and murder.  I can't really remember the night before's, because there was one dream of several.

One involved the ex, actually.

It was weird and shocking and actually involved us getting back together in this weird way that I knew was wrong but also me shrugging everything off with an "I don't care," but not in the way that one feels when they're in love and they don't care what others have to say.  It was more that I was so hollow and empty that I just didn't give a shit about the warnings people were giving me, because perhaps I thought I deserved all of that garbage.

I don't really think that one was about the ex and I, but more about my own self-esteem.  Or lack thereof, more accurately.  That I've been so down that the prospect of returning to any sort of relationship like the one he and I had (read: actually awful and manipulative) is the one that I deserve because I have so much self-hatred.

I probably ought to talk about this with my parents, but it is also Father's Day so I should try to at least pretend to be happy.

I didn't get a gift because I suck and couldn't think of what to get for him.