Just had a conversation that I might have accidentally hijacked because things that were being described to me made me really kind of angry and brought up memories and stuff.

Basically, it was an all too familiar story of a guy continuing to talk to his ex-girlfriend while hanging out with someone new (even though that someone new in this situation wants nothing romantic) and not wanting the ex to find out so that he could 'spare her feelings' and that bullshit.

Now, in this case, I don't know who broke up with who, but from the way it sounds, it was he who broke up with her, and she doesn't want to let go of the possibility of getting back together.

And I said that if he truly wanted to help her, he would cease communication with her.

That in the end, it would be better off that way.

Because otherwise he'll just fuck her up.

That it is cruel to keep talking to her, and it would be far more merciful to stop, no matter how painful it initially is for both parties.

She is not in the position to make the decision to stop talking, because she wants things to continue.  She mentally might not have the ability to make that decision.  Talking to him is like a drug - you just can't fucking stop, even though you are aware that doing so would be better.  That's why it is better for the person who did the dumping to do it.

And I might have sounded angry when I said these things.  Because I know from experience how fucking painful continued talking is.  How horrible it feels to believe you two still have a chance meanwhile he never actually thought that.  How disgusting you feel when you find out about another romantic interest in the other person's heart while he still tells you that you're his favourite.  And then he wonders why you ever thought you two could get back together.  To have him tell you - while you are still completely in love with him - that the prospect of seeing you during the summer has his "heart pounding in excitement" or something like that.  And then when you confront him about those words leading you on, he tells you that it's "an expression" and nothing was meant behind it.

How worthless you feel when you find out that you were mislead and that he forgot about you probably in the moment he dumped you.

That he just lied over and over and over again and you fell for it every single fucking time because you loved and trusted him so deeply that you believed him when he said he never lied to you.  And that realization of the extent of his deception makes you question so many things.  Your judgment about everything.

And that heightened feeling of worthlessness combined with the hatred of yourself that you have always felt makes you wonder what it would be like to do bad things to yourself.  Thoughts and fantasies that you once thought were gone resurface stronger than they ever were before, so much so that you need to make a list of reminders why it is good to be alive and what you want to do with your life.  


So, I'm sorry I hijacked that conversation and made it kind of about me, and I didn't mean to do that.

The familiar story hit me in a really gross way.  


Ugh.