...It smells like piss in this lecture hall.

It really really does.  Ugh it is nasty.


I'm feeling only slightly better than I was yesterday.  Physically, I mean.  Emotionally I'm still kind of sad and everything, and I'm starting to maybe freak out since I didn't get any work done yesterday due to being sicky and all.  And I have a problem set for Game Theory due tomorrow, my final for Game Theory on Friday, my big replication paper for Methods due next Monday, and then I have my American final next week too.  Oh, and I'll be getting the undergrad's finals next week and only have like what...two days to finish grading them or something?  I don't know.

Basically I'm stressing in the same way I stress at the end of every single semester and it is even worse since I'm really not feeling well and I just don't want to do anything but have to do everything and it sucks and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep all day.


Session today.  I asked her about the summer, and she said nothing is going to change, so I guess that means I'll continue to see her weekly throughout the summer months, which is very very good.  I was really really scared that because it was summer something would change and I would be stuck by myself until the fall semester and everything.

I might talk to her about my thoughts concerning the breakup, about how I truly now believe it was my depression, not his, which caused him to dump me.  Even though my stomach still hurts when thinking about it, it has been kind of a...comfort, in a weird way.  Since he wasn't willing to try to shoulder my sadness, he wasn't worth my time.  And he wasn't and he isn't.

I have been good about not unblocking his facebook and looking, but it is still an itch that I really want to scratch.  But now I'm even more afraid - since coming out on facebook as being officially with this chick, he might have been like "oh she's ~the best girlfriend EVAR~" and stupid shit like that that I really don't want to see.  Ugh, even thinking about that...I don't know.  It isn't something I should think about.  I shouldn't even care.

Whatever.

The last time when I talked with my mom, she said that I'm actually lucky.  That I am not the one who is going to end up with him and have to deal with his shit and his family's shit and that I am looking to better things and to better people than him.  She and others have expressed that I should not settle for someone who isn't going to treat me well.  I shouldn't ever settle for someone who will up and leave when my sadness shows itself.  When I need that person the most.  When I'm sad and think terrible things and wonder about what would happen and how people would be if I was not around...I should have someone who will stay with me, not abandon me and thus cause those thoughts to intensify.  And actually fucking care when they do.

Meh.

It still hurts, though.

It still hurts that while I cared when he was sad, and loved him and wanted to help him...

He never even made the effort to help me.