Session today was good, and gave me a lot to think about.

I went into how I keep having these thoughts about the ex and everything, and how every time I plan a trip to PA, I get really anxious about the possibility of running into him.  And when I do that, I start thinking about possible things to say to him and possible scenarios and how I should react and how he might react and stuff.  Really, a lot of what I think about are things that will never ever actually happen.  But I was asked whether or not I actually want to have a face-to-face confrontation, and I was hesitant.  On one hand, yes, I do want to have that, despite that I know I have said things I want to say, and everything new is really just delineations of what I've already said.  But for some reason, part of me still wants to see his reaction to me and my own reaction to him and think about what I would say and all.  Then again, I don't want to see him, because I know how any sort of conversation went in the past with the two of us, and despite the knowledge I now have...I wouldn't be surprised if I fell into the same type of traps.

Really, I just mentioned that I still feel as though the story isn't over...like there is unfinished business, and I haven't been able to shake that feeling despite our email chain.

Maybe I'm just being stupid.  I'm probably just being stupid.

Often I go through conversations in my head before actually having them.  I've also been thinking about trying to better explain things to my parents.  Because even when I try to bring up the subject, things are downplayed, or equated to something else, and sometimes people like to think about my younger self, as if I did not have these problems back then.  Really, they did exist, I just covered them up better, and Nancy reminded me that youth is not equal to adulthood; in the past I was more impulsive as a way to cover up my insecurities and everything.  But still...I don't like to be reminded of how I used to act, because it shows that I was at least better when I was younger.  Or something.  I don't know.

Also, I went into how much I overvalue the approval of other people.  That even when I think I am doing something right, if it is questioned, I definitely start questioning myself as well.  Basically, Nancy pointed out that this pretty much is me not trusting myself.  That criticism makes me second-guess myself and makes me beat myself up.  And when I thought of it that way, it really does make sense.  I don't trust my own judgment, especially when it comes to people.  Once upon a time, I thought I had a good sense of others, but in reality I never did.  People I thought would stay did not.  People I thought truthful were liars.  I put more faith in so many people than they deserved.

And so...no.  I do not trust myself.  At all.