This class has been abysmal.  I love when one of my peers just basically argues nuance and definitions and shit that doesn't really matter for over 20 minutes (it felt like) and that kills any conversation or any desire for a conversation among everyone in the room.  I mean, I know we're talking about human rights this week, which is an ambiguous and incredibly broad topic, but jeez...at least recognize when your points are fucking bullshit and move the hell on.

At least I've been able to make some cool jokes.  And talk with my prof about doggie food and stuff, effectively cutting away some more class time.  Woo.

I've returned to a feeling of apathy, where I just feel as though I am suffocating and I won't be able to get out of the trap I've encased myself in.  And that feeling has demotivated me incredibly.  At least Nancy told me repeatedly that my focus should be on what I need and want to do, and that my professors and their desires are fleeting and do not need to stay in my mind as much as they currently do.  Though that is really difficult, and trying to sort out things that are good for me vs. things that I just want to do because others want me to do them is incredibly difficult.  For my life, I pretty much took those things as equivalent; things that I wanted were not good if other people wanted me to do something else.  That has been my worldview for much of my life, stemming probably from my perfectionism and my own self-hatred.

I'm just worried that even if I spit out an absolutely perfect paper, this prof will not be happy with it.  Which I don't like to think about.  Because of my desire to appease, I guess.  But I need to recognize that I can't (and shouldn't) please anyone.  It is just difficult, I guess.  Really fucking difficult.


We had a meeting that I forgot about this morning, so one of the roommates knocked on my door at 9:15 to remind me.  I was still sleeping, and apparently did not respond very well.  Basically, I was told that I groaned and rolled over and grabbed/hugged one of my squishables.  And then groaned again and refused to acknowledge or respond to him at all.

This morning was very fuzzy.  And I was very unhappy to be woken up that way, apparently.