Genetic

Today was filled with traveling and doggie stuff and good session and attempts to help people with stuff in Stata and ultimately failing.

Session went really well, and Nancy seemed really happy that I enjoyed myself over the weekend.  Especially since I actually did enjoy myself.  I wasn't pretending like I normally do.  I really did have fun and feel social and happy and it was kind of weird but also really nice and different from how I usually am.  And I mentioned how I felt when I talked to ex's frat brothers and others, and how their reactions really validated my feelings and displayed to me that even people who were friends with him and people who did not know him could tell that he did not try and was volatile and was selfish and all.  So, with their comments on top of the ones I have already been exposed to from others, it just was...really good.

We talked a bit more also about a leave of absence, and how I'm afraid of doing it for various reasons.  Specific classes, comprehensive exams, and just a fear of going off the path I (and others, truthfully) have laid out for myself.  She did say that if I decide to not take next semester off, and instead try to recuperate during the summer, that I should take the entire summer off instead of just a month like I was originally planning.  When I expressed fear over the fact that my comp paper probably wouldn't get done if I did that, she explained that I needed to do things for me and try to not let fear motivate me.  That every worry I had was anxiety and stuff.

And she expressed the importance of understanding what I want vs. what I need.  Because I kept saying that I was blowing off work because I wanted to go to UC.  Because I wanted to do something - anything, really - else.  But she expressed that these things were not just wants.  It wasn't that I am just not doing work because I don't want to.  It is more that I can't.  I need to do these other things because I have neglected certain areas of my life kind of hardcore.  I physically and mentally just can't find the motivation to do work, lately.


Agility was nice and then I went to my Uncle's for dinner, since he invited me yesterday when finding out that I was going down to the Island.  So I stopped by and said hi to people and stuff.  I was able to talk to my aunt, who also has depression and anxiety issues, about some things, and we were able to just discuss experiences and how it feels and stuff.  And she said that one of my uncles also has it and that her mom (my grandmother, obviously) had it too.  So there is this idea that it might be possibly be somewhat genetic, and I happened to be the big recipient for my generational group, I suppose.  I know that sounds weird, and truthfully I'm not entirely sure about genetics and depression, but it just all sounded very familiar and uncanny and the fact that we all had that despite living lives with loving families and stuff...I don't know.  Maybe.


I should sleep, since I have flight tomorrow.