Even though I actually spent tonight doing a fuck ton of work in terms of research and trying to find data and beginning to compile that after pretty much coming up with a new question for my judicial politics paper...I feel as though I have not done anything of value tonight.  Which makes zero sense, really.  But I look over at my roommates; one already has his draft in and back with comments, and the other has thirty pages written and keeps talking about how he has so much more to do and everything and here I am sitting with no pages written and a new dependent variable and a new court I want to look at and it is...discouraging.  I know I should feel guilty, and I guess I do on some level.  Because I keep saying how much I don't care that this stuff isn't done, but...that kind of isn't the right way to put it.  I mean...I don't feel as though I care, even though I know I do.  Deep down, I know I care about getting things done and the fact that I have dropped the ball this semester in terms of handing things on time.

However, I do not have the capacity to do a lot of things, still.  I do not have the capacity to sit down most days and do what my roommates appear perfectly capable of doing.  The motivation and creativity and focus I need in order to work through these ideas are missing, and my trying to explain that makes it come across as though I just don't care, so that is just what I say.  Because I was able to do stuff, in the past.  Truthfully, I don't understand why I can't do the same right now.  That despite all my anxiety and sadness and the like, I was always able to sit down and do shit when it needed to be done.  Now I just stare at things and once in a while find a burst of energy that allows me to focus for a few hours.  But then it disappears quickly.

Really, trying to explain this sort of thing to anyone is incredibly difficult, since most don't understand (or make the attempt to) this sort of feeling.

And then I think about the fact that I am sacrificing this weekend to spend time with college roommate and while I know that is what I need and what I want, I still feel guilty and anxious about losing that work time.  Mostly because everyone likes to remind us that we shouldn't do anything other than work all the time and if we take time for ourselves we are terrible, terrible people.