Judgments

Today I pretty much did nothing except play D3 and hang with the pups.  I took them to the dog park and that was fun.  Though they weren't there for as long as I was expecting them to want to be there.  Ah well.  Tomorrow I would like to set up an agility course (homemade, of course) and go through some training things with Callie.  She actually has been so good.  Jack was digging up the backyard at one point and everyone was in the house, so she started barking at him.  My dad said that she was doing that as he was digging, I guess to either warn us or trying to tell him to stop or something.  Then, later on, when I was playing with Jack, she started barking like crazy, which was surprising to me.  I originally took this as jealousy, but in retrospect that didn't make much sense, considering when I play with Murray she doesn't have that reaction.  My dad then pointed out that when Jack plays, he often growls, and we think that is what she was unhappy with and barking at.  Which kind of makes way more sense.  My whole family did agree - after seeing her reaction when I go all 'dead-weight' and have my sister drag me around - that if I was seriously in trouble and that someone was seriously hurting me, she wouldn't hesitate to kill that person in order to protect me.

To which I was very "awww" in response.  She's a good pup.

Other than that I tried to not really think about my dream too too much, as I knew it was going to just upset me and everything.  Really, I wish the ex-related dreams would stop again.  I guess it makes sense; I just went back to UC and had more than a few discussions pertaining to him and the end of our relationship and the emails back and forth that happened for a while and everything.  But still.  It is rather annoying.

Actually, I was thinking about something for a little bit that caused me to be angry at myself.  I realize a defense mechanism I jump to is to try and find some fault with the person he is currently with.  I did it with now-friend who reached out to me because she is very brave and nice and I never deserved that from her, and I did it with the person after her.  And I kept doing so until now.  And even now, actually, I find that I'll say something not too nice about her as a way to dismiss her, which isn't very fair at all.  I never even met her, just like I never met now-friend, and it is a disgusting defense I put up and I hate it.  With now-friend it also was fueled by an intense desire to not be angry with ex, and so I transferred all my anger at him and turned it into some petty bullshit grudge against a person I had never met.  But it happened again later, though I suppose to a lesser degree, because I was more aware of his betrayals and the fact that despite all he told me and how he characterized me, I really didn't mean all that much to him anymore.  The fact that I didn't correct that the second time makes me angry at myself, because once again I jumped to a place where I was despising a person I hadn't even met.  I mean, truthfully, I did have some reason to dislike her, given things that I was told she did to him (and I had this weird mixed emotional response of being both joyous that she did these terrible things to him and demanded he give up things he loved and stuff...and also angry that she would demand something like that out of her partner, especially considering I never did and then I guess I was also mad at him because he was willing to give in to these demands from her but I, who never asked for anything like that, was crushed and stuff and etc., etc., I am rambling).  But still.  I never met her myself.

The bad thing is that I probably will do this in the future because it has become so ingrained in me.  Which is disappointing.  I am disappointed in myself.  Hopefully I will stop, or at least catch it earlier or something.

...I was having a good day.  I should stop thinking and just go to sleep, seriously.