Personal

My stomach hurts, and I feel restless.

I've been thinking.  A dangerous pastime for me, I know.  When I think about certain things it makes my body react in uncomfortable ways, and it reminds me of how messed up I truly am.

The fact that I can be fine one minute, and then swing completely to the opposite side is more than a little distressing.

I was really doing fine all week, to the point where I started thinking that maybe the medication I discussed with my doctor would be unnecessary.  That maybe it was the crazed stress from the end of the year and everything.  A stupid thought, on my part; this doesn't go away.  Truthfully it never really has, I've just always found excuses for it, or tried to hide it behind something else.  It's always really been around; it just has only been recently that I've found it more and more difficult to suppress it in front of others.  Even in times where I was happy, it showed up.  When I was in London and everything...I was sad a lot.  I blamed it on missing people and being homesick, but I don't think that's truly what was going on.

When people meet me, they often find me to be a very upbeat individual.  And truthfully, when I am with friends, a lot of times I feel happy.  I think it is just because the voices of others drown out the one that is inside my head.  I focus on other people because it allows me to not focus on myself.  I want others to be happy, but turn my back on what would help me.

I'm just.  Very sad.  Sad and lonely.  Despite that I have friends and family and people who care for me.

I miss my best friend, who is at her new job and is so far away.  I miss my friend who is doing awesome things in South Korea right now.  I miss my older sisters, who - although I know they will always be there for me - have their significant others and so I see them far less often than I once did.  I miss the guy, even though I saw him not too long ago.  And I miss him, while simultaneously fucking despising him.  At the same time, what's funny with him, is that I still feel like I failed.  I want to make others happy, and I couldn't do it for him.  Even though he didn't deserve me trying, I wanted to anyway.  Until somewhat recently, I wanted to.

I'm a perfectionist because it is the only way I like myself.  When I do well in school, for example, I'm allowed to be happy, for at least a little bit, because I earned it.

I'm not allowed to just...be happy.  I have to earn happiness.

Which is honestly such a fucked up way of thinking, but when I think about it...that has been my mentality for practically my entire life.  Not brought on by anything, mind you.  My parents were always supportive and were always the "if you tried your hardest that is all we can ask for" types.

Really, what is frustrating about all of this is that I have no fucking reason to be sad like this.  I have a fantastic loving family, awesome friends, am in a great program at school, am not financially struggling...there is nothing in my life for me to be sad about.  There's no reason for me to feel so alone.  My breakup?  Yeah, but everyone goes through those, and they don't crash the way I did.  Besides, this is no longer truly about that.  And honestly, I believe that all my breakup did was exacerbate an already existing problem; it did not cause it.  Plus, I should be over it by now, and to an extent, I am.  I no longer carry these fantasies of us meeting up later in life and realizing ~*we were right for each other all along*~

Please.  Excuse me while I throw up everywhere.

No, now I fantasize about seeing him and telling him off the way I should have every other time we saw each other.

But, I digress.

It is still frustrating, though.  It really is.


This should probably go into my private journal.  Oh well.