Sometimes I feel really guilty not eating the entire day and then going in and having to tell Nancy that I didn't eat.  The good thing though is that I'm compelled afterwards to get something, so...yeah.  So I did only eat that one meal today and I'm really fine with that, even though I probably should not.  I ought to be more hungry than I am, but I'm most likely not because of feelings and thoughts and all that jazz. 

I did actually do some reading today, and afterward I forced myself to get up and do some training with Callie and take her to the park.  I'm trying to work on her recalls especially since she kind of relapsed and hasn't been coming to me when I call her.  So I'm going to try and do something everyday if I can manage it.  Then we spent an hour at the park so she is kind of pooped right now.  

I was told to try to not succumb to the sadness.  To try to not let it overwhelm me, because then it is really difficult for me to get out of it and then it just kind of consumes and controls my life.  And I am...trying.  I will try, but it seems impossible, sometimes.  Like this weekend...it felt impossible.

Also, I was advised that whatever it is I choose to do needs to be best for me, not for him.  I need to think about what will be best for me in the long term and all, and I'm still unsure as to what that is right now. 

I think I'm also just...still fishing for some sort of explanation or something that will make sense to me and will make me go, "oh okay, I forgive you now."  When...I don't think such an explanation exists, really. 

Plus I think I'm just still searching for the person I loved, hoping that it is him who I am talking to, and not the person who abandoned and lied to me, because in my mind, those are two separate people. 

It is all a jumbled mess in my head and I wish I could stop caring.  Or I wish I could easily listen to my head even if it makes my heart hurt. 

Bah.  It is all complicated when there really should be an easy solution.