Took Callie to the park again today, so hopefully she is sufficiently tired out from running around so much these past two days.  Honestly I doubt it, but I'm just hoping that it will run into tomorrow.  Something I am thinking about doing is trying to get up super early tomorrow and taking her so she can run around before I actually go to class.  Then maybe she will be calmer when I leave and won't chew up anything.  I don't know.  I'm trying what I can.

Still need to edit that shit of a paper I wrote.  Seriously, I kind of hate it and I don't even know if I should hand it in.  Though I guess if it ends up with a terrible grade I can always ask if I can write another one to replace it, or something.  Bah, I'm not sure.  I know grades do not matter really in grad school but I still don't like getting something with a bad grade back due to my...perfectionism.  Because it really is just a showing that what I wrote was terrible.

Not in any sort of mood to be productive though, which is really...not good.  I have things I need to get done.


I walk this line, where I know I want to jump over to forgiveness.  I want to, not even for him, but for myself.  So that I can maybe exist without this constant anger.  But crossing that line to that is very difficult.  Perhaps impossible.  I know that my just saying "I forgive you" does not actually make it so.  I've done that before, a premature declaration of forgiveness...I wasn't ready.  I said that because at the time I thought I could, but I soon realized that it wasn't actually what I felt in my heart.

And my thoughts on this are so volatile.  One day I will think this, and another I want nothing to do with the idea of forgiveness.

I still fear my own thoughts and feelings, as well.  I am terrified of them and what they mean.