I don't know if I'm supposed to feel as though this is closure...because I don't.  Really, I'm not sure why.  I just don't.  Then again, I don't know if I ever will feel closure with him, because of how I feel and felt about him.  How I've never had anywhere near as close to a connection with anyone as I had with him.  And if I were to see him in person...I'd probably still feel that.  I wish I didn't, because it keeps me tied to him, but I still do.

I'm not sure what I should do, really.  Should I wait a few more months to decide whether or not I can actually talk to him?  Or should I forcibly shut this book because I'm lingering on the last pages and wanting more to be there when they're just...not?

I keep trying to tell myself not to care.  If I don't care about this whole thing or what happens to either of us, then it would be easy.  I could just shrug and say everything is fine and do whatever and maybe everyone would be happy that way.  But...not caring is impossible.  There are days where I feel as though I don't care, but I know that I do.  It is as though I care too much; the feelings kind of implode and I'm left an empty shell and all.

Part of me feels like that now?  Not that I don't care but that I'm kind of blankly staring at things and all.

The other thing is that I don't know if I can justify ever letting him back into my life in any capacity to my friends and family.  Especially my family.  And that assumes that I've forgiven him enough to actually let him back in the first place, which I'm still unsure of.

fdhsjk I feel like nothing is the right answer.  I don't know what is the right thing to do.