Always the Same

Sometimes I find that all of my posts say the same thing.

They all talk about my feelings, or lack thereof sometimes, and there are only so many ways I can describe my apathy and sadness.  The void that kind of sucks any emotion or at the very least any happy emotion doesn't receive many names, but it has been explained more than several times.

Many talk about the ex, who is referred to as such, or with just the pronoun 'him.'  His name is never mentioned, and even in my head, he is nameless.  Though whenever his name is read somewhere else, I cannot help but think of him.  I discuss his actions and lies and contradictions, and how even though he claims I mean something, I do not feel as though I do.  That even though he says I'm worthwhile, I feel worthless.

Some allude to certain frightening fantasies, which I still do not want to describe in explicit terms because the idea scares me.  I'm starting to become numb to the images in my head, and I often wonder if I will succumb to them.  I say I will not, but not because I find any value in not doing so for myself.  Rather, not doing so means I won't make my family sad.  It means I won't abandon my puppy.  I just wonder sometimes if they would be better off, because then they wouldn't need to deal with my apathetic depression.

A lot discuss my perfectionism, and how I have unrealistic expectations for myself.  How I do not think I am a person worthy of love unless I act in a very specific manner.  How I think so lowly of myself and everything I do, despite people telling me that the work I complete is actually done well.

And many end with declarations of exhaustion.