So that class was incredibly painful and semi-infuriating.

Getting lectured about no one doing the readings in a graduate seminar is really frustrating, especially when I do the readings and am a leader in the discussion.  I shouldn't have to prove to the professor that we as a class did the readings when more than half the class hasn't spoken at all and everything.  We have been told countless times how important participation is to staying here, yet I find the same handful of people speak, while everyone else just stays silent.  Yet I find that it doesn't seem to pan out that way at all.  It encourages me to just...not care as much.

And that not caring is most likely also a product of the apathy and depression that has characterized the last few months (year?) of my life, but it doesn't help that is gets amplified when shit like this goes down.

Ugh, I don't like the idea of having to send out my paper for my qualifying exam when I'm feeling this way.  Though I have been procrastinating on doing that simply because I don't want to have to do it.  Being asked questions about what I want to research and what I want to do with my life when I have a whole fuckton of personal issues making me care less and less about doing something I love to do professionally...it is just going to suck, honestly.  It isn't going to be fun, and I am going to hate it and it is making me anxious.


I had another dream last night which I'm sure involved the ex but I cannot remember the finer details.