I'm waiting for six to hit so I can go teach my first discussion section of the year, so I will write to pass the time and to get thoughts out and everything.

Session today went well, and luckily, I am going to try and get medication from the school now since I have been unable to get in touch with my doctor back on the Island.  This is probably better since people can monitor me more here and everything.  I just need to make an appointment at health services for hopefully Thursday or something, and then I can get stuff and everything will be much better than it usually is.  Huzzah.

We talked about this idea of me being afraid to completely let go.  I described it as a fight between my emotional and my logical sides: logically, everything is telling me to get out and leave and never think about letting him back into my life for real.  Emotionally, however, I keep hanging on.  The emotional side is what is telling me that he can be redeemed, that he will see the contradictions he made between his words and his actions, etc., etc.

It was described as...he is a part of me.  That when you are with someone, that person becomes a part of your identity: part of who you are, essentially.  Because you are so connected to that person.  Which...makes sense.  And it is not a bad thing.  It is just what happens because two people join together so closely.  When that breaks apart, it is like you have to pick up the pieces of yourself and need to rebuild yourself as a single individual again and that is much more difficult and a lot scarier to do after you have experienced being with someone and having such an intense bond with someone.  And despite him not having been physically in my life for some time, he has persisted in memories and in my thoughts.  I cannot imagine not having him, in some capacity, in my life.  I can't.  Even if I were to tell him to fuck off and never ever speak to me again and that actually played out in reality and we never spoke again...he would still be around.  He would still influence my life, because he became a part of who I was.  And while that makes me sound super co-dependent, that really is not how I mean it.  I don't mean to make it sound like that.  It is just what happens when you are with someone you love, I guess.  You two come together.  You're still your own person, but your identity changes to reflect that you have someone in your life that you are closely bonded with, and that is okay.

That bond shaped my identity, and it has been really difficult to let go of it, despite that I have not been with him for over a year, and have not actually seen him in an incredibly long time.

He is a part of me, and so I cannot imagine letting that piece of me go.