the same shit

I know I complain about being lonely and everything, but I don't actually do anything to help that.  When my friends tell me they are going out, I don't go with them.  I don't drink with people anymore because I am too afraid of the depressed drunk coming out and me ruining everyone's good time.  Friday and Saturday nights are spent usually alone in my house with my video games or something.  The only time I socialize really anymore happens at the department outings, which usually just serve to make me feel worse because everyone is with someone and I kind of just sit there.

I don't know if I'm just waiting for some magical person to appear and make all these feelings go away without me actually getting out and meeting this person.

The idea of me getting up and socializing really is exhausting, because the last few times I've gone out and met new guys have been horrible in the end and I am in no mood to go through that again.

I'm just contradicting myself all over.  I know I'm not ready to start anything new with anyone and I have no motivation nor desire to do so, but at the same time I'm lonely as shit and just want someone to talk to every day and cuddle with at night who won't up and leave me abandoned and sad like others have.  Yet I don't deserve such a person when I do not think I can have an actual real connection with them because of lingering feels about the ex.  I don't deserve to have someone like that at all.  I deserve to be alone.


I want to escape.