The level of discouragement I am feeling at the beginning of this semester is unlike what I think I have ever felt at the beginning of any school year before, and it is kind of scaring me.  Even since before the start of the semester I have been in a constant state of "what the hell am I doing here, I shouldn't be here because I'm not as smart as I should be and I don't write well enough to get published, etc., etc."  Despite my getting mad at people in discussions for not listening to my points or for interrupting me and me defending my arguments, I still leave the classroom and everything I write with this sinking feeling that things aren't going to get better and that I am wasting everyone's time with my own brand of idiocy. 

It is a sucky feeling, really. 

And I keep thinking about things that are coming up, and all of those just make me feel like I'm behind, despite not actually being behind on anything yet.  I've technically been on top of everything, but I still feel as though I am behind.  Since I don't have anything that is up for publication already, I feel like I've failed, somehow.  Since we need to be published by the time we are on the job market, and the process takes around 2 years, it sounds, my not having anything yet is really starting to stress me out.  And it is a lot more difficult for social scientists to get published than those in the STEM fields, it sounds: we were talking about how natural science graduate students will end their grad careers with a dozen publications, and if we have three, we're really fucking competitive.  So having nothing so far that I think is good enough to transform into a publishable piece is really...stressful.  And I know it is early, and all my professors would tell me it is early...it still sucks. 

I was thinking about the concerts that I'm choosing to go to, and how maybe I shouldn't actually go to them.  But then I was thinking, and my desire to go to them is more than just some want, at this point.  It is bordering on a need, which probably doesn't make any sense.  But I've said before that concerts make me feel alive and like I actually belong somewhere.  I never go out anymore.  I barely hang out with people.  Concerts are one of the few things that I go to or even do outside of school.  Hanging out with people seems too exhausting most of the time, and I'm too depressed more than half the time to actually get up and do anything.  Concerts are where the benefit outweighs the cost of going out: the way I feel at them is really...good.  I feel alive.  I really do, and since I feel empty more than half the time I am conscious as of late, I crave that rush.  

I am hoping that restarting medication - if I am able to get the school to give it to me - will help.

I think part of me wants some sort of person to be close to me also for that reason?  I don't know if it would help me to feel something again.  Maybe that is why I am so attached to him, even when I should not be.  He makes me feel strong emotions for the most part.  No matter what they are, he always causes me to feel something in a strong direction.  

Though honestly, I'm probably being somewhat contradictory in that I have said before that I would rather feel nothing than the pain that he has caused me to experience.  Heh.  I can't even figure out exactly what I would prefer. 

I guess the moral of the story is that they both fucking suck.