You know, I know I am supposed to be kind of learning to not hate myself quite so much.  I know I am supposed to see my imperfections as human and a good thing.  Rather than scold myself for having certain feelings and thoughts, I should accept them and realize that although some may be problematic, it is okay that I feel that way.  Recognizing that they are problematic is the key, but I should not berate myself over those thoughts or feelings.

But sometimes I really can't help but hate myself more and more with certain thoughts and feelings.

And I know that a perfect person would just not...think that way.  And wouldn't have the pain that comes along with them.  Thus, I'm back to wishing perfection upon myself and hating myself because I cannot attain that standard.

Even though in my eyes, I should be.  Not for some egotistical sense of "oh well I need to be perfect because I'm that much better than everyone else."  Nothing like that.  More like..."I will only accept myself as a good person and a person worth loving and worth time and worth being missed when I am perfect because no one will ever miss my imperfections."

The feelings I've been having recently about the news has caused these thoughts to resurface tenfold.  And although I'm kind of...not feeling much, it doesn't diminish the little voice in my head telling me what a complete and utter fucking moron I am.  I have other guys in my life.  A guy I just met for a week was interested in me.  A guy I talk to every day is interested in me.  So why the shit does my mind sometimes turn to the one who threw me away so easily?  Especially after so fucking long.  It isn't like he sits there thinking about me or anything right?  And again, even if he does (which he doesn't), it isn't as though that would change the past.  It wouldn't erase all the crap he did to me and it wouldn't make me hate him any less than I do.

So it is frustrating to me that I recognize all this in my head.  Logically, I know what I should feel.  And what I should think.  But my feelings don't follow that logic (I am trying to refrain from saying they're illogical, despite me thinking that in reality, because that kind of...diminishes and dismisses them).  And that is frustrating.  And imperfect.

And right now, I hate that imperfection.