Thinking

Tonight I find myself thinking a little too much about the ex.  And I wonder if it is because guy is away so we haven't texted as much tonight, or because I risk seeing him next week when I go to the concert and to Ursinus.  And I do fear that.  As much as people tell me I am strong enough to withstand seeing him, even though I and they all know my stomach will churn and I will get angry...I don't know if I share their confidence.  Especially since I won't have my best friend with me.  Callie gives me confidence and the belief that I can matter to someone.  She relies and depends on me.  When I think about him, I feel worthless.  When I think about her, I mean something.

And in my mind are all the things I would like to say to him.  Yet they exist as a completely jumbled mess that I cannot seem to grasp.

How he left me abandoned in a pit of loneliness and misery.  Actually, worse than that.  He dangled a ladder of hope in front of me, and every time I tried to grab it, he pulled it away, and I sunk deeper into that hole.  Which I had no idea how to get out of, and I'm still not out of it today.  That any sort of healing on my part couldn't have begun until after we stopped talking, because it was when I stopped trying to grab that ladder.

I dunno.  The metaphor made sense to me earlier, and now that I'm trying to put it into a written form, it isn't coming to me quite as easily.  Plus I'm really kind of tired, so there is that too.

Maybe I'm overthinking things.  He might not even be there.

Or if he is...I might just not care.

I might see him, and not care.  Because I will not let him ruin my concert and my time with a friend.

And that's how I need to think about this all.

I've given that lying bastard too many victories.

I will not allow him another one.