So having a very intense and vivid dream about reconciliation and reunion with the ex the night of the day I fear running into him is more than a little annoying and...somewhat concerning.  I know I'm not supposed to judge my dreams, especially since I can't control them, but...my god what the fuck is my subconscious doing to me. 

We were at a lecture thing.  I have no idea what sort of lecture would bring him and his current girlfriend and me all in the same room, but that's not important.  I had noticed he was there and ignored him.  And whenever we happened to catch each other's eyes, I glared and snapped my head back to the presentation very easily.  But I did notice that he kept looking over at me.  More than he should have been, if that makes sense.  And he kept doing things to get my attention, though it was only half working.  I would look over and snap my head back, obviously irritated.  

Then, I got up to use the restroom, and he watched me the entire time I was leaving the room.  When I got back, he had dropped a pen in my path, and got up to get it, completely blocking me.  He was bent down, and then when I approached, he stood up and looked at me.  I harshly told him to move and pushed past him, then going in the rows behind him so that he wouldn't have the chance to keep looking over at me.  However, after squirming away from his girlfriend a bit, he then put his arm around her, which made me feel sick.  

Finally, the lecture ended, and I kind of ran into the hall.  But he followed me by himself.  He approached me and I glared and asked him what he wanted.  He said he wanted to talk and to tell me something, and laughed while saying something like, "why do you think I did all those things to get your attention?"  

Stupidly, I said sure.  We were by ourselves in the hall, and he started going into how much he missed me.  How breaking up with me was a huge mistake and how he shouldn't have done it because he still thinks of me every single day and misses me more and more.  He started crying while telling me this, and I (not learning from real life that his bullshit comes out when he cries) stupidly believed him after that started happening.  I asked him about his current girlfriend, and he said that he honestly didn't even really like her.  When I inquired as to why he was with her, he shrugged, saying that it was at least fun even if he was still very lonely.  I must have known about her in-dream, because I started saying that I didn't understand why he got together with her in the first place.  

Then, instead of blowing him off like I should have, I sighed and said that if we were going to get back together, things were going to be different.  That this wasn't going to be the one-way street that it was.  I'm not going to be his caretaker again, etc., etc.  He agreed and we hugged.  This whole time we were walking, and then we stopped and kissed each other. 

The reconciliation didn't even end there, unfortunately.   For some reason, my parents were picking me up, and I saw them outside waiting for me in a line of cars.  I told him that I would have to tell them gently about us getting back together, because they still hated him and everything.  He understood, and we agreed to go out separately.  He went first, but next thing I knew, my dad was up out of the car and talking to him.  Then, the ex got into their car, and so I finally walked out, really confused.  I was expecting something much different than what happened, but everyone was happy and smiling so I figured everything worked out.  I then got into the car in the seat next to him and shut the door. 

And that's when I woke up. 

I'm really tired because of it, and so might make sure I nap before I head down to Ursinus later. 

It's just annoying (to say the very least) to have one of these dreams right now.  And then in it, he was dressed and looked the way I would love.  His hair back to the way it used to be, but longer, like how it was when I was in London.  He was wearing a white t-shirt and his leather jacket, with black jeans and combat boots.  So yeah.  Bah. 

I just don't like the idea of my subconscious still giving me these images of reconciling and getting back together with him because it makes me wonder if I want something like that, secretly.  But then I think no, and I recognize how terrible all that would be.  I still hate him.  

After dreams like this, I feel as though I wake up hating him even more.  But I also kind of hate myself because of them, even though I can't control them. 

Blah.  Gonna try to sleep more.