Concerned

"I'm really concerned about you.  You seem to be pushing away from everything and everyone you care about."

"Every week I see you you get thinner and thinner."

"At this rate, you're going to end up in the hospital.  Either because your body will collapse, because you're not eating, or your mind will.  And you don't deserve that."


My way of thinking was challenged a bit more than usual in my session today.  Even though I tell myself that I did everything I could and that nothing that happened is my fault, I apparently still act as though I am punishing myself.  That the perfectionist in me is still saying that I could have done something to change things.  That I can't understand how I can give and try and do my best and then I do not get that same reaction in return.  But I cannot control others and life is not fair.

I was asked whether or not I really want to get better.  I said that I do, but I'm tired of trying.  I'm just exhausted and that happiness seems like an impossible goal and I honestly am starting to think that I am broken beyond repair.  I'm not living life really...I'm just going through motions and everything.

I just do not care about myself, and it is showing more and more.  I'm punishing myself and I need to think about myself more than I do.

I just.  I tried so hard when I was in a relationship.  I really did.  I tried to make things work and I tried to do the right thing and I tried to do everything I could for him.  And I was repaid with this.  With all of this.

Some part of me still says that I did something wrong.  Either before or after.

But I did the best I could.  I really did.  So I do not deserve this.

Even though I still act like I do.