Follow-up

"I just want you to give yourself a fighting chance."

I was called in for a follow-up session today to continue talking about things from yesterday, and things have really hit me in weird ways.  I was asked whether or not it bothers me that I keep losing weight and I keep not eating and I said that I wish it did, but it really doesn't bother me that much.  It used to bother me, but I've gotten kind of used to it, if that makes sense.

I also just don't care about myself enough to take care of myself, really.

But along with the hospital thing, I was told that health services can suspend me from my studies if they think I'm too underweight, and request I get treatment and stuff before allowing me to return.  That kind of made me pause, because although I don't feel much, I know I do not want that to happen.  But apparently I am on that track, and it will happen if I stay on the path I've been on.

I guess I don't recognize the limit, simply because I have this deluded notion that I will never reach it.  I don't recognize my breaking point, because there is some part of me that doesn't think it exists, really.  But hearing someone else tell me that there is a limit, and I am dangerously close to it, from what I have been doing and what I have been saying, kind of brings it to a new light.  For now, anyway.

She also asked me if I think I have the capacity to try to take better care of myself, and I answered that I was not...entirely sure.  I like to think I do, and that I can make the change, but the apathy and the self-loathing take over and I just...end up going full days without eating until dinnertime and then eat only a little.

I don't think I necessarily take the ex over me.  I think I take everyone and everything over me.  And he is included in that.

But I am supposed to start taking myself first.  Which goes against my entire usual pattern of thinking.

It isn't going to be easy.  Is it even possible, I wonder?