I have my qualifying exam tomorrow.

And I don't even care enough to really prepare for it, despite knowing that I should be nervous.  Then again, I'm nervous in name only, if that makes sense.  Where...I have these uneasy thoughts about it and I'm wondering if I'll do alright and if I will pass and whatnot, but...I don't actually feel nervous.

It isn't outside the norm, really.  It is the same how I felt with the whole "I'm excited but not excited" thing for the cruise, Otakon, wedding, etc.

I was told it is because my emotions are shutting down, and that soon my body will also.  That I'm overwhelmed with everything and the stress had made me kind of implode.  And since I'm that stressed and apathetic, that apathy also stretches to my physical health, where I just do not care what happens to me physically.  Which is why I've been eating terribly (as in, back overall to the one meal a day and overloading on caffeine) and why I've been so tired and etc.

I was asked if I want to collapse.  And I said that it was more...I didn't care if I did.

That is how little I care about myself.


The only good thing about that apathy is that is has stretched to where I don't care about how I sound when I reply to him.  I used to wait to try and respond in a manner that conveyed a sense of...still being hurt, but not as livid and destroyed as I have been conveying in my last few replies.  Which is guess is more accurate, but also was brought on due to his responses and whatnot.

I don't know why I should believe he actually tried.

Everything he did just made me feel like I was not worth trying for.