Empathy

I've been thinking about replying in a somewhat nasty way, because I really am angry about it.

More than half of the things I mentioned did not receive any sort of acknowledgement, which is kind of annoying.

Conversations begin and end when he wants, never when I want them to, which is bothersome.

I don't know why part of me thought that maybe his selfishness eroded, really.  When I really think about it, it was always there, even when we were together.  Even during the time I look back on with some positive spin.

I think I can't fathom his actions because he and I are completely different in the way we see others and treat them.  We're pretty much on two opposite extremes.  He is selfish; the feelings of others are secondary to things that he wants.  Which is why mine mattered second to him keeping me 'as a friend.'  Which is why mine didn't come into his calculations when he so soon began his "moving on process."  Which is why he told everyone that we had a fucking mutual and respectful breakup when that was not even remotely accurate.  Which is why he kept up a faux-relationship with others who cared about him.  Which is why he told me he had to "be alone" and "focus on himself" and then continues to say that he never contradicted himself when he began "romantically moving on" with his life within a month of abandoning me.

For me, on the other hand...everyone's feelings come before my own.  Even complete strangers.  I constantly worry about if I angered someone or made someone else upset, and I willingly don't do things I want simply because others might want something else.  It is why I let him do whatever he needed when we were together.  It is why I stupidly agreed to not look at graduate schools in London.  It is why I tried so hard to be friends with him even though he stabbed me in the back repeatedly after we broke up.  It is why I always had trouble telling him when I was upset when we were together.  It is why, even when I'm so fucking angry at him (and others, really) and want to repeatedly punch him in the throat, I will feel bad about sending something particularly nasty (even if I am still debating doing it).  Even when he deserves my hatred and anger, I'll feel bad about it.

My own self-hatred drives this: to me, everyone else deserves happiness before me.

Neither extreme really is good, honestly.  But I would much rather have my over-empathy, so to say, than to have the almost none that he appears to have.