So I started trying to read the book that I need to finish for Wednesday but I got around...five pages in before realizing that I really did not want to read and by sitting here and trying to force it, I was just going to go slower than usual and effectively waste my time.  And instead of then doing something else I really need to do (i.e. add footnotes to the judicial elections memo which was supposed to be done by the end of last week), I'm just kind of sitting here.  Because I was hit with this undeniable sadness and loneliness and work is just going to make it all worse.

I guess I can continue to play Pokemon.  I might be overtraining; I'm in the level 27-29 range with my party, but only have one badge.  I'm not sure but I feel overpowered.  Then again, I saw a Bagon on route 8 before and accidentally killed it, so I've been trying to find another one and hence have been training in that area.  But it has been taking too fucking long and that makes me sad.  I want it.  It will be annoying to get and then try and not kill again though...might make sense for me to put someone who is a lower level in my party just to be safe.

Speaking, party right now reads: Kirlia, Pikachu, Pidgeotto, Wartortle, Vivillon, Braixen

Overall, pleased so far.  Vivillion has surprised me; usually I don't like bug types and I usually don't do well with them, but she has been pretty good to me so far.  Then again, it is still technically early.  Also, I would like a different electric type.  If I can find or get my hands on a Mareep, that would be absolutely wonderful, as Ampharos is my favourite electric type.  Also, I kind of want to try my hands at a different flying type, no matter how much I love Pidgeot.  I was thinking about training Fletchling, but since he evolves into a Flying/Fire and I already have Braixen, I figured that wouldn't make sense (then again, I'm on my way to having a Gardevoir and I know Fennekin's final evolution is half-psychic so that will be fun).  And I wan to make room for Umbreon if I can.

Man, I really wish they would change it to eight in a party instead of six aha because then I wouldn't have all these dilemmas!

And all these desires are based on what I know; I might come across someone I like better than the pokemon I already have preconceived notions of.  


I think my sadness is partially coming from seeing all these homecoming pictures.

Plus I was kind of thinking about how...my desire to be with someone is both high and low, and that doesn't really make any sense.  To try and explain...I miss being with someone.  I do.  I miss that unconditional trust and love and feeling that things were going to be okay and that this person would protect me and I him from bad things and we could just lay around and cuddle and he would let me cry.  Heh, he always saw me cry more than others...because I was able to show my sadness around him.  I couldn't show that same true self to others.  (I showed it more after we broke up because I couldn't hold it back anymore.  The breakup broke my outside persona, and I've been repairing it ever since.)

Then again, every time an opportunity comes up, my stomach turns into a knot and I cannot imagine pursuing anything.  I can't.  I don't want to get close to someone again because I will get hurt.  It will happen again.  I trust no one who says he is interested in me, because I never think it is that he is interested in me as a person.  It is more of a hookup situation.  And despite being frustrated in that category...I don't want to be that.  I did try pursuing things a few times...only for all those times to go downhill.  Then again, in retrospect it is probably good that they did, because I really did not like them the way that I did.  I've returned to convincing myself I like people, because my lack of emotions towards most people is beginning to scare me.  Honestly, I could probably meet the perfect person for me and I would feel nothing.

I can't form connections.  I even feel disconnected from friends, with the exception of one, really.  Without him, I'd probably become a hermit again.  Hell, even with him I am a hermit.  (Speaking, he was super nice and bought Callie a barkbox and that is adorable.)

During my qualifying, I asked my professors about time-management, saying that I was having trouble balancing the work I do for class and the work I need to do for myself.  Really, what I wanted to say is that I really could do things if I had the motivation and everything, but that I feel like I'm fucking drowning in my own apathy and sadness and I feel like I can barely get myself to do the fucking minimum amount of shit I need to do.  But it doesn't look good to tell my professors "listen, I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning to come here how am I supposed to motivate myself to do all the other shit you want me to do please help me."  Or "hey listen I think a lot about driving off a cliff because I hate myself that much and see no goodness in my future, so please bear with me if I take longer than I should on some things."  Nope, neither one of those would work.

And the meds are helping in that I don't feel that crippling sadness every day, but I still have that apathy and lack of emotions...though I'm not sure if those are supposed to help with that.  Plus I don't think they've kicked in entirely yet.  Luckily I am back up to 100 mg.  Woo.  And it helps that I see a doctor every two weeks and he is really nice and everything.

Meh.  I should probably take Callie out and get ready for bed, shouldn't I?